A preceived question of who I really am.
How do you ever truly know another person. To not perceive who you think they are, but to see them for what they really are. I have always watched, studied, and drawn my conclusions from random information shared through the connections between myself and others. Collecting bits of information about them through their body language, speech, eye contact and over all presence. I believed myself to be very good at judging a persons character. But then there was a question posed to me recently. How do I know that I am responding to the information I am receiving about them correctly. How do I know that they are the person I believe them to be. So to solve my posed question, I asked another.
Is there anyone in the world who really knows who I am? Will anyone ever really know me. Or will I only give them the outer shell. Like a deep sea creature with a beautiful shell. But what lies beneath the shell? I think everyone has a shell, a front, a cover, a mask. A positive self, being projected from within, filtering out all the things they believe they need to hide. A perfect view of what they want to be seen as.
So I ask myself. Do I project my shell. The answer is Yes, I do that. Not a huge realization I know, but still to go beyond the shell and truly show myself. To bare my soul, expose the secret side, let loose the caged beast within is both terrifying and wonderful at the same time. There is only one answer. I have to know who I am, and so I will do my best to accurately portray myself through the written word. This will cancel out any misconceptions through someone else's perception.
Who am I? I am a twenty nine year old woman. I am both shy and outgoing all at the same time. I love to laugh and to make others laugh. I constantly worry about everyone else, sometimes forgetting to take care of myself. I always try to see things on the bright side, and am great at solving everyone's problems but my own. I have many sides to my personality, including a very dark side that I usually allow no one to see.
There is the Mother, the caring understanding and patient teacher. She is never irresponsible, and would do anything for her child. She is snack mom during T-Ball season and arranges play dates on rainy days when her little girl is bored. She tells stories and sings songs and plays games with her favorite person in the world, her daughter. She is the person who can sit in an uncomfortable chair holding her sleeping child while her legs fall asleep and think about nothing but the way her child's hair lays across her head. She is the one with the warehouse of patience and ocean of love. She works two shitty jobs to make extra money. She is the one who gives up her necessities so her child can have every luxury. She is the strong one who holds steadfast to reason because insanity and weakness are not an option. She is the one who must never fail to do the right thing.
There is the Student, the young girl who craves new and interesting things to learn. The one who can't stand in one place long because she has taken in everything around her and is ready for more. She dreams of seeing the world, and all it has in it. She is the explorer and adventurer. She is the scientist who used to keep jars of bugs under her bed so she could watch them as a child. She is the girl who reads four or five books at the same time, and then runs out and decides to write new things to occupy her mind. She is the one who writes in a dream journal every morning, and tries to write one poem every week. She is shy and quiet at times preferring to take a watch and wait stance. She is the one who would go to school for the rest of her life, just to learn. She sees things under the surface that no one else ever notices. She is the one who gets lost in the book store for six hours when it has four or five rows of books.
There is the Dancer the one who feels life through her skin. The music lover who can't help but move to each new beet. She loves the night and the energy that comes from the crowds and their moving bodies. She is the one who isn't shy, she takes what she needs for the dance to keep the fun moving. She is the one who likes to be looked at and admired. She is the one who moves to the front of the line because she can. She can be a little vain. She lives only for the now, with not much consideration of what comes out of her mouth and its effects. She has many friends and knows everyone's names. She is the hunter who isn't afraid of going after the most rare of species. She is the confident one.
There is another, she is most complicated, she is pure feeling. She holds love as the most important of all and keeps hate buried. She loves fiercely like a fire out of control. She is the one who is capable of making the biggest mistakes, but also the greatest triumphs. She is the one who doesn't settle and holds steadfast to hope.
There is only one more, and she is in the back of the shell. I don't let her out except into books. I keep her to myself.
So now there is no perception conflicts between truth and assumption.
This is who I am.
Is there anyone in the world who really knows who I am? Will anyone ever really know me. Or will I only give them the outer shell. Like a deep sea creature with a beautiful shell. But what lies beneath the shell? I think everyone has a shell, a front, a cover, a mask. A positive self, being projected from within, filtering out all the things they believe they need to hide. A perfect view of what they want to be seen as.
So I ask myself. Do I project my shell. The answer is Yes, I do that. Not a huge realization I know, but still to go beyond the shell and truly show myself. To bare my soul, expose the secret side, let loose the caged beast within is both terrifying and wonderful at the same time. There is only one answer. I have to know who I am, and so I will do my best to accurately portray myself through the written word. This will cancel out any misconceptions through someone else's perception.
Who am I? I am a twenty nine year old woman. I am both shy and outgoing all at the same time. I love to laugh and to make others laugh. I constantly worry about everyone else, sometimes forgetting to take care of myself. I always try to see things on the bright side, and am great at solving everyone's problems but my own. I have many sides to my personality, including a very dark side that I usually allow no one to see.
There is the Mother, the caring understanding and patient teacher. She is never irresponsible, and would do anything for her child. She is snack mom during T-Ball season and arranges play dates on rainy days when her little girl is bored. She tells stories and sings songs and plays games with her favorite person in the world, her daughter. She is the person who can sit in an uncomfortable chair holding her sleeping child while her legs fall asleep and think about nothing but the way her child's hair lays across her head. She is the one with the warehouse of patience and ocean of love. She works two shitty jobs to make extra money. She is the one who gives up her necessities so her child can have every luxury. She is the strong one who holds steadfast to reason because insanity and weakness are not an option. She is the one who must never fail to do the right thing.
There is the Student, the young girl who craves new and interesting things to learn. The one who can't stand in one place long because she has taken in everything around her and is ready for more. She dreams of seeing the world, and all it has in it. She is the explorer and adventurer. She is the scientist who used to keep jars of bugs under her bed so she could watch them as a child. She is the girl who reads four or five books at the same time, and then runs out and decides to write new things to occupy her mind. She is the one who writes in a dream journal every morning, and tries to write one poem every week. She is shy and quiet at times preferring to take a watch and wait stance. She is the one who would go to school for the rest of her life, just to learn. She sees things under the surface that no one else ever notices. She is the one who gets lost in the book store for six hours when it has four or five rows of books.
There is the Dancer the one who feels life through her skin. The music lover who can't help but move to each new beet. She loves the night and the energy that comes from the crowds and their moving bodies. She is the one who isn't shy, she takes what she needs for the dance to keep the fun moving. She is the one who likes to be looked at and admired. She is the one who moves to the front of the line because she can. She can be a little vain. She lives only for the now, with not much consideration of what comes out of her mouth and its effects. She has many friends and knows everyone's names. She is the hunter who isn't afraid of going after the most rare of species. She is the confident one.
There is another, she is most complicated, she is pure feeling. She holds love as the most important of all and keeps hate buried. She loves fiercely like a fire out of control. She is the one who is capable of making the biggest mistakes, but also the greatest triumphs. She is the one who doesn't settle and holds steadfast to hope.
There is only one more, and she is in the back of the shell. I don't let her out except into books. I keep her to myself.
So now there is no perception conflicts between truth and assumption.
This is who I am.
posted by Mallisa at 12:02 AM
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