The Crashing Waves of Ocean

Confusion crashes into my mind like waves on a rock hitting hard for a moment, slowly drawing back before hitting me again. I am not unlike that rock, the waves slowly caressing me and molding me into what I will someday become. I don’t pretend to understand the logic of making a solid choice and sticking with the decision, all the while doing exactly the opposite. The touch of the wave is all I feel. I have become a walking contradiction. I know not what to do about my current situation, but know that I am enjoying the chaos immensely. I wake each day with the realization of my tribulations fresh in my mind, having only added to them the previous day. I contemplate all aspects of my choices and the wisdom or lack of wisdom in the actions I have taken. “Actions do speak louder than words.” My friend Cindy told me the other night. “What do you want?” She asked me. “I’m not sure.” I replied. “What do you want to do right now?” A smile came over my face and I looked longingly across the room. “So there is your answer.” She smiled. “So what’s the hold up?” She asked over her shoulder as she walked away. Some friends mean well, though it seems that others only delight in pointing out the obvious. She is one of those friends. My world continues to spin in several directions. I am on a path of self-discovery and at the same time seeing the universe through the eyes of someone who has never experienced any of it. The world is suddenly new and fresh and scary. I step away for a while, close my eyes, and everything goes quiet my world is normal for a moment. Then I open my eyes and look for it again, warm, desirable, and tantalizing. It suddenly flips a switch in my head and plays a video clip of crashing waves flashing in my mind. I am no longer seeing the world in front of me, but the private movie filmed just to torment me. I really do love the movie, though it brings a smile to my face at the most inappropriate times. It makes me wish I was better than I am. I hang on every second trying to burn every detail and feeling into my memory, knowing full well it too will become a flickering light in my mind. Then I leave and part ways again. The smell fades away, and I can hear only my heart and the sound of my breathing. I am driving again. I have become enamored. I am crazy and mad for it. I am still starving, perhaps more than before. I wish now only for clarity, but know it will not come to me. I long for some semblance of normalcy, and fear I will never feel it again. I have begun to fear slipping over the drop and yet want it with all of my being. I hear the question again. “What do you want to do right now?” I believe holding back has become harder than moving forward. The waves crash upon me and I feel the sea touch my skin. I hear my heart again and the slow rhythm as my chest rises and falls with each new breath. The waves crash again.