Waking up from WHY

My intentions were clear to begin with, but all at once they are as clouded as the ashen waters of the river. Now it seems that I constantly question myself, remind myself, and ask myself one word, (WHY). Why do I do this? Why have I done that? Why can't I figure things out? Why do I cry one day and laugh the next? Why do some days seem familiar, while others feel completely alien. Why did I make this choice, or that? Why do I try when I don't know if I want to? Why do I live this many lives in one day? Why can't I just be oblivious to the world, and keep this little existence the way it is never knowing there are better things out there? Why do I dare to dream of something that is likely to fade out of my life like the sun setting into the sea? Most nights to find the answer I take a short vacation in a wine bottle. Others I write like a secretary gone mad at the keyboard until my fingers ache. I run by day for miles along the river, pushing myself until I am near passing out and can no longer breathe. I find myself in the same place after all my efforts to will a strait answer out of my mind.
It hasn't come yet, though several times I have thought it was finally there. Then I blink and the light shatters into darkness, and then the darkness fades back into light. The world is upside down and spinning in the wrong direction. I feel as though I am dangling by one hand, searching for a strong foothold that will take me to the safe ledge, and each time I get a toe hold, the rock crumbles and I slip even further. Perhaps I need to just let go, and see where the falling journey leads. Perhaps I should just hang on a little longer and find my place to step. The internal battle rages on, and the war between the two sides is brutal. There will be no prisoners, and no negotiations between the two sides, for they can never co-exist on the same plain of existence. One will become the victor, and the other the victim. I am faced with a hard truth, and only I know that it even exists. How can something that no one in the whole world even knows it exists become so vital?
I have begun to see things differently. Physically seeing things differently. The air is more crisp, the sounds more sharp. The tiny details that escape my glance on a normal day stand out in my eyes. I am no longer comfortably numb. The drug of monotony has worn off and the pleasure and pain is not dulled any longer, but sharp as a razer. It seems that I am not sleepwalking through my life anymore. The autopilot has been switched off. And now I must navigate the roads on my own.
Now I am back at Why? And driving strait to HOW?