To Begin an End

It was a little past midnight when I stepped into the dark trailer and set my bag down. I flipped on the light and marveled at the silence of the place. I had previously brought over most of the things I would need for now and had carefully arranged things to make it seem more like a home. Now in the dark of night I stood in the middle of the room unsure of what to do next. Was this the part where I was supposed to curl up and cry or break out a bottle of wine and celebrate? I didn’t know. I’m not sure how long I stood there just staring and contemplating my current situation, but it was quite a while. The air had a chill so I turned on the heater and rummaged through my suitcase for some comfy sweats and thick socks. I changed my clothes and brushed my hair as though in a daze. It’s a lot like watching someone else go through the simple motions but having no control over it and not caring at the same time. I felt like I was floating in my own head, unable to cling to the material world. It’s odd the feelings that wash over you in a moment like this. I had finally left the person I could no longer bear to live with. I had tried alone in a one sided battle for the better part of a decade to make my marriage work. Things had gone down hill for the last three years and I had given up trying to fix things just this last year. The look on his face flashed through my head as I sat in the quiet little trailer staring at the wall. It had been strange, unbelieving, hurt, and shocked. I don’t think he actually believed that I would leave, but here I was alone in a new home. How had things gotten this far, how could he have not cared all this time and manage to look completely stricken when I walked out the door? Why was I feeling bad for him when it was him that ignored all of my pleas for so long? Why was he trying so hard to get me to stay after I had completely given up? It made me angry in a way, all of the last minute attempts by him to win me back. It had started just the last week or so, all of the little things I had been begging him to do for the last few years now seemed to be top priority for him. It was infuriating to me, a slap in the face. Nothing he could do now would change how I felt. He should have tried harder when I needed it. How could he have believed I would stay when he treated me so uncaringly? The love between us died and I couldn’t find a way to restart it. It was simply not there. I sat there in my resolve and anger confused by my feelings. My stomach felt sick and my head swam. Random thoughts about the future and the past quickly flipped on and off through my mind. Some were happy, some were sad, some were dark, some made me feel hope. I had no idea that the human body was capable of feeling so many different feelings all at the same time. I wanted to cry, scream, and laugh, but all I could manage was to sit staring with a blank face completely numbed by the flow of images and feelings rushing through my head and my heart. All of the plans I had made for that life were now lost, and I was extremely sad for the loss. Hopes for the future brought bursts of hope and joy. Feelings of guilt, regret and anger tore at my mind. It is a confusing thing to experience, the first day on your own. One moment the clock said 10:00pm, the next it was 5:00am. Time was skipping by as fast as the emotions running through me. I was unable to move. I think it was a little bit of shock, of the choices I had made began to set in as I sat there listening to the sounds of nothing. I had done it. I was free. I would not be going back to the life I had fought so hard to keep. I had stepped out over a line that could not be undone. I wanted to find the quiet that sleep would bring, but couldn’t find the darkness of it. I squeezed my eyes shut hard trying to block out the flashing images. I pulled the blanket up over my head and hugged the pillow. I laid there for what seemed like hours before sleep finally took me and the temporary sort of death that can only come from being exhausted set in. I dreamt that night of passionate kisses and warm skin and beating hearts. They were all things that my husband hadn’t given me in years. These day dreams were the only happy moments for me in these last months. I woke that morning almost hung over from the night of extreme emotional turmoil. As I lay there in my own little bed in my own little place, I began to feel some hope. Hope to find my own way, stand on my own legs, and live my life as I see fit. Only time will tell the rest of my story and heal the long opened wounds inflicted by these last years. So I just keep breathing, keep working and fighting daily for the things I want out of life. The more distance I cover each day, the further I will be from the confusion. They said this would be hard, and they said it would hurt. They told me that it would be confusing and it would suck really badly. They also said that it would get easier and things would become clear as time went on. It seems they were right about the first bit, so perhaps they are also right about the last part. I guess I will just keep going and see what time brings me. Hopefully it is clarity and happiness.