Written Vent of the Exausted Mind

So many things have been going through my head. It’s like a whirl wind of emotions and conversations, worries and hopes. I was asked how I can be so emotionless and cold, but what they don’t see is the emotional turmoil that rages deep inside, like a storm out of control. I’ve cried all the tears that I have, and just when there could be no more, it starts over again. It really is like mourning a death. You morn the loss of the plans and hopes, the dreams you once shared. They are all sinking into the fading light. I go from angry to happy to sad to completely numb of all emotion, only for it to all be started again. I weigh and balance all of the decisions again and again. One moment my mind is iron clad about something and the next I waver. Is that normal? I am cold, emotionless and non caring. I accuse and blame and am accused and blamed in return. I have inflicted some very harsh words this week, and received none in return. I was hurt for years, and did everything I could to change it. Suddenly I have become the bad person. The thing I wish he knew is that neither of us has to be the bad guy. Why do people have to place blame on someone else. Some times things just don’t work. Shit happens, things get fucked up. There are times when you can mend the damage that has been done, but there are also times when the wound is too deep. Can’t things just be civilized and agreed upon like adults? I’m sorry, it isn’t working. Can we at least be friends? What I would give to have it be that easy. So I am the one who is to blame. All fingers will point at me. It’s hard to watch it in his eyes. The anger and sadness mixed with desperate hope is almost more than I can bear. I just feel like I’m a child again and I’m getting hit with a big fat guilt trip. It was one of my mothers’ favorite tactics to get me to do things. It still works to this day and I hate that! I fear for the future. I do not want to end up hurting anyone. But I can’t live life like this anymore either. I gave up all of my dreams and hopes for the future so that we could have a family and a life together, but I am the only one who gave up anything. I can’t give anymore and I’m tired of hoping and waiting for things that will never happen. The vision of what I wanted when I gave up my career and my dreams is far from what I ended up with. I wanted it all the post card family. I tried too, and I tried like hell. What I got was much different from anything I ever imagined. I got to do everything for our daughter by my self. No helpful hubby to stand by me. I got to do all of the house hold chores and still manage to hold down a dead end job. I got to sit at home alone with no one to talk to but a toddler. Loneliness slowly dug its way under my skin and before I knew it the relationship changed in my mind. He became the rival, the person I had to stand up against. The bond that should have been there was not. So now when I am so close to being able to leave he starts to notice and all hell breaks loose. It is getting deep the tension can be cut with a knife when you walk through the door. It sends any surprise visitor reeling from the front door like they have hot coals in their pants. It all hurts, and it is all confusing. In the end I hope I made the right choice.