Realization vs Wishing

Sitting and pondering my own procrastination towards the next phase of my life, it suddenly became clear the reasoning behind the lack of a choice. I know now why things have to be this way right now. I suddenly understand you! Perhaps I’m wrong though… Why do I wait and put these things off one more day… Just one more day. “I’ll do it tomorrow.” It’s what I tell myself at the abrupt end of each lonely night. Change is hard, scary and unfathomable in its new aspects. It piles high on my shoulders in an awful weight and stress. The actions to clear the stress are simple, and would take but a day. Why do I still put them off? I would feel much better having gotten these things behind me. Instead I sit and wallow in hope and memory, not wanting to face my immediate reality. “God, please, just give me this one thing…” Silent is the ceiling above me, but ominous in the dark. Alone I ache in my chest to the very bones. The emotional rope I have tethered to you pulls at my heart. Another day passes in slow agony, the same relentless march as the day before. Menial tasks to tell you at night, not really saying what I wish I could say, and never hearing what I want, but hoping still. Hope and time, waiting and keeping busy. Tick and tock are my ardent companions into the late hour of dark. Dreaming of a face and hands as they go by. Blink and they are gone from me again. Another day, and nothing, nothing, nothing. I’ll get that finished tomorrow, until then, I wait. Wait for the stress to push me into action, push me over the edge, and push me back to you. Time, the thief and the giver, never gives when you want him to, but takes as you hold tight to your treasures. Plenty and not enough, it stares at me with its bank face, that face that I love, I can’t take my eyes off of you. Please give me what I want. Quickly though, before the marching begins again.