Being Friends with Janus..

Change is a scary thing. Everything changes in life. The seasons of the year march past us unflinching and unstoppable. People are no different. I was holding on to the past for so long before I woke up and realized that I was holding on to a moment in time that has long since passed on. I stand above a presuppose one foot in the past and one foot in the future. Being in limbo is terrible, nothing to do but wait. Some days I lean on one foot, completely living in the past and other days I boldly lean to the future. The future is the scary foot; you don’t know what will happen. The comfort of hindsight is not present in the future. It is the ultimate unknown variable. Time stretches out before me like a long dark road void of any landmarks or turns. I am the painter that must add the sights along the way. It is a blank canvas and I know not if the painting will be great or if it will be a tragedy. The scary thing about painting is that once you start, there are some mistakes you cannot erase or even paint over. They sit like a red flag on the painting for all to see. Mistakes are often seen as some kind of failure, but I think that in art and life they are the things that make up who we are and what we will become in the end. I’ve been good at everything I have ever done. Good enough to pass for someone who is not a failure anyway. I don’t fear failing as much as I fear letting people down. I sometimes wish I could freeze the world in time and live among the petrified world to do the things I want to do. It is the judgment that stings along the way. But this isn't a possibility, living life without judgment from others. Life isn’t that kind. Instead I have to keep trudging on ahead hoping not to hurt any one too badly on my course to find happiness. I have had to ask myself one question on a daily basis. “Can I pretend well enough to make a life out of the past without being unhappy?” The answer in my head is always the same. "NO!" So I look forward again to the unknown. I will reach out of the darkness into the light and walk onto the path that lies ahead. I don’t know if it is the right path, but it is the one I have found myself on. I have climbed to a point where I can see new horizons and I can no longer live in the hollow valley pretending that it is all that exists. The monotony of a life lived the same way day in and day out is not something I can do anylonger, but it is close behind me. I can still feel its stale breath on my neck. I have to find a way to move ahead. I can’t live the same day for the rest of my life. Change is a scary thing, but necessary at the same time. I'm not the only one to ever feel this I know. Everyone in the world must get confused about the changes in life.

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