Little worlds crashing down.
The images of that day will be burned into my mind forever. Will it be the same for her?
The air was hot and dry like all the summer days in Eastern Oregon. I was nine years old that day. The wheat fields were already plowed and the dust devils swirled around our house in little mock tornadoes. My sister and I had a daily ritual of walking down the dirt road from our house to wait for the ice cream truck that turned around at the city limit sign at the bottom of our hill. We set out that day happy little girls with a hand full of change jingling in our pockets. I remember the sky was void of any clouds that day. The sun remained at the top of the sky, its heat radiating down on the dry cracked earth. The ground was so parched that the dirt road became a soft powder as we walked barefoot across the fields. The air was so stagnant that the dust remained in the air for what seemed like hours. As we walked, the ground gave off little puffs of dust and it became a game to stomp the little clouds of powdered soil into the air as we walked and laughed. We both laughed so hard that we cried as we hopped up and down in the dirt. I didn’t know it at that moment, but in a few hours I would run down that road again making little puffs with my feet, and I would cry then too, but not from laughing. Several hours later, my parents told me and my sister that they were getting a divorce. Life as we knew it would change forever.
I worry about the impacts my actions or inactions will have on my daughter. My Mother has been divorced three times and is currently on her fourth husband. I know from experience that these things can be very confusing and disturbing to a child and their mental health. But inaction will take it's toll too. I remember the whole day like it was yesterday, the day my parents left each other. I was four years older than my daughter is now, but I wonder how it will affect her just the same. Decisions like this seem to be hard on everyone. It is hard to take a child with you into an unknown decision, and it is hard to watch them live in an unhappy home because you are scared to change too. Something that my daughter said the other day confirmed my worries.
Two days ago my daughter had her little friend come over to play. She had never been in our house before, and as Nicole walked her through the house I listened to their conversation. “This is my Mommy’s room.” She said. “Where does your Dad sleep?” The little girl asked. “Oh, he sleeps in that room.” Nicole said pointing to a different door. The other girl looked confused. “Why do your parents have different rooms?” She asked. “They fight too much.” Nicole said with a shrug. They were off to play, and I was left sitting dumbfounded on the couch. How in the world could I let this happen? I have let her fall through the cracks of life into a place where I never wanted her to go. The choices I am making in my life will have an impact on everything in hers. It is a huge responsibility to deal with, and I can only hope that the decision I am making will benefit her and not harm her. How do you explain these things to a five year old? There is no book, or manual that comes with a child when you become a parent, though I could use one about now. It seems that all I have to work with is my own experiences as a child in a divorced home. You would think that I would know just what to say and do having been through this several times in my life from her perspective. I know how this affected me as a child, and it hurt. I know now that my Mother made the right choice. My father only got worse before he got better. But I don’t have the luxury of hindsight and I wish I did. I am still unsure. Life has become a mock tornado, and all things seem to be up in the air spinning in different directions all at once. So much change all at once, so much to do, and so much to say good bye to. How do people do this alone? I am alone in this, and it has begun to sink in. I am surrounded by well meaning people who say they will help, but I am beginning to see that no one will be able to help with some of this. It is going to be up to me and me alone. So it comes to it, and I am the one who will have to tell her. It is killing me knowing I will have to be the one to drop that bomb on her little world. What am I going to say? Will she understand?
The air was hot and dry like all the summer days in Eastern Oregon. I was nine years old that day. The wheat fields were already plowed and the dust devils swirled around our house in little mock tornadoes. My sister and I had a daily ritual of walking down the dirt road from our house to wait for the ice cream truck that turned around at the city limit sign at the bottom of our hill. We set out that day happy little girls with a hand full of change jingling in our pockets. I remember the sky was void of any clouds that day. The sun remained at the top of the sky, its heat radiating down on the dry cracked earth. The ground was so parched that the dirt road became a soft powder as we walked barefoot across the fields. The air was so stagnant that the dust remained in the air for what seemed like hours. As we walked, the ground gave off little puffs of dust and it became a game to stomp the little clouds of powdered soil into the air as we walked and laughed. We both laughed so hard that we cried as we hopped up and down in the dirt. I didn’t know it at that moment, but in a few hours I would run down that road again making little puffs with my feet, and I would cry then too, but not from laughing. Several hours later, my parents told me and my sister that they were getting a divorce. Life as we knew it would change forever.
I worry about the impacts my actions or inactions will have on my daughter. My Mother has been divorced three times and is currently on her fourth husband. I know from experience that these things can be very confusing and disturbing to a child and their mental health. But inaction will take it's toll too. I remember the whole day like it was yesterday, the day my parents left each other. I was four years older than my daughter is now, but I wonder how it will affect her just the same. Decisions like this seem to be hard on everyone. It is hard to take a child with you into an unknown decision, and it is hard to watch them live in an unhappy home because you are scared to change too. Something that my daughter said the other day confirmed my worries.
Two days ago my daughter had her little friend come over to play. She had never been in our house before, and as Nicole walked her through the house I listened to their conversation. “This is my Mommy’s room.” She said. “Where does your Dad sleep?” The little girl asked. “Oh, he sleeps in that room.” Nicole said pointing to a different door. The other girl looked confused. “Why do your parents have different rooms?” She asked. “They fight too much.” Nicole said with a shrug. They were off to play, and I was left sitting dumbfounded on the couch. How in the world could I let this happen? I have let her fall through the cracks of life into a place where I never wanted her to go. The choices I am making in my life will have an impact on everything in hers. It is a huge responsibility to deal with, and I can only hope that the decision I am making will benefit her and not harm her. How do you explain these things to a five year old? There is no book, or manual that comes with a child when you become a parent, though I could use one about now. It seems that all I have to work with is my own experiences as a child in a divorced home. You would think that I would know just what to say and do having been through this several times in my life from her perspective. I know how this affected me as a child, and it hurt. I know now that my Mother made the right choice. My father only got worse before he got better. But I don’t have the luxury of hindsight and I wish I did. I am still unsure. Life has become a mock tornado, and all things seem to be up in the air spinning in different directions all at once. So much change all at once, so much to do, and so much to say good bye to. How do people do this alone? I am alone in this, and it has begun to sink in. I am surrounded by well meaning people who say they will help, but I am beginning to see that no one will be able to help with some of this. It is going to be up to me and me alone. So it comes to it, and I am the one who will have to tell her. It is killing me knowing I will have to be the one to drop that bomb on her little world. What am I going to say? Will she understand?
posted by Mallisa at 12:55 AM
1 Comments:
I have no light to shed on this subject. My parents are still together.
When I got seperated my son was 3 and when we were divorced he was 6. He doesn't ask me about it though, but I can see that when she and I are together he seems to be more content.
It sucks however you look at it though, or which way you turn. I feel for you and hope that you find your way out of this.
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