Walking from Chaos into a Dream

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written, mostly due to the lack of an internet connection this far out in the woods. So many things have been going on in my world it has become head spinning. It’s a strange place to be in for sure. I realize I’ve said that before, but no one really ever understands until they have walked a while in the emotional storm of change. Everywhere you look there are memories and things that make your heart and mind want to cling to the past. For months, I’ve been physically saying good bye to the past, one object at a time. Good bye husband that was. Good bye house. Good bye financial stability, and on down the line until all of the seemingly miniscule things that made up my everyday life have been fare welled. The plan I had for our future was a tough one, as were all of the little things around that I had worked so hard for. Someone told me once that it is similar to mourning a death. It is true, but for one difference. Hope is prevalent with change where in death there is only despair. Yes I have lost a great deal. All of my hopes for the future are gone, as are the years and effort I invested in that future, but I have kissed them good bye knowing I will never see them again and it has slowly become alright. Hope is there to guide me and to help me find a new way. And hope is what keeps me from despair. Now, I have the hope of finding new dreams or rekindling old ones that I had kissed good bye years ago when I made other choices. To see around the bend on a new path, instead of the strait and narrow path that used to lie ahead can be scary and difficult. The old path was sitting there in plain view all mapped out and planned right down to the next meal. No deviation from the roadside in that direction. I could have told you exactly where that life would have gone. It was the same every day and would have gone on until it was too late. I would have wasted away and died never having the chance to chase my dreams down. Fortunate are those who see the error of their choices before it is too late.
Days and nights like that one come along and you don’t know they have arrived until they are long departed. The bad ones like the good ones seem somehow severed from reality and time. Only the hour after all has transpired do we truly know the errors of our actions. So the error is pointed out, we decide it has to change. With hope and courage we start the process. Only we don’t know just how much personal turmoil it will entail. So we go head strong with a heartfelt theory of what we should do and nothing but a prayer to stand on. Life seemed surreal to me at this time. The days spread from minutes to hours to days like a very drawn out painting where the paint is slowly spread from one side of the canvas to the other. It was like that to me, hazy and dream like, almost like sleep walking through the necessary motions. I would find myself in strange places, and the question in my mind was similar each time. “How did I get here?” It was all a very long emotional blur of color over the canvas that is my life.
I awoke one day to find all had become crisp in my view and my energy and hope were restored to me. I began to get all of the things I had been dreading finished. It was almost effortless. It all happened in the span of a few weeks and it was a great weight that was lifted for me.
Now I sit, having said my good byes to all I left behind, and I ponder the things of tomorrow. Will I get what I yearn for? If I don’t, it won’t be for a lack of pursuing my Love of things. I can’t say I have ever had to try this hard to get what I want, but only those things that are great and really worth having are worth pursuing. I probably seem relentless, but there is so much more that my heart has not yet unleashed. Holding back was never my thing, and for ten very long years I was made to push my feelings away. Now they are hard to harness with this new found freedom.
There are so many changes I have gone through in this last year; it is a very fast and strange metamorphosis to go through in such a short time span. The fear of not being able to do this on my own is completely gone now, and has been replaced with something new. I don’t know if it is spite, or hate, or just sheer stubbornness to be right, perhaps it is a mixture of these things. But I have to prove now that I can. So I will, and I am. The next few weeks will hold much change. At least I have you. I’ll write again soon.

MK