A series of tunnels and lights...

I have to walk through the darkness for untold amounts of space, until I reach the warm light place that I yearn for. Then another tunnel appears around the corner and I see that I have no choice but to continue on through the darkness alone and cold. There is no turning back, and no stopping. There is no telling how long I will be walking in the obscurity that is my loneliness, this tunnel of darkness in the form of time. I spend such a long time muddling my way through the shadows of isolation that I almost forget the face of the warmth I seek. The ticking of the clock slows until I reach my temporary destination, then the hands fly in circles to speed my return to the solitary confines of my lonely mind. My thoughts torture me with memories and visions of softness and warmth, of laughter and joy, all the while I am trapped by the circumstances my heart has put me in. Will there ever be an end to my dark tunnel? Will I ever find myself walking in the light with no darkness ahead? I hate the darkness I feel inside with the absence of you, the light. How do I continue to endure the darkness when I fear the light doesn’t want me?

To give up is to loose all hope, to loose all hope is to Despair...

I don’t want to end up like her... The girl who bitterly hates and distrusts men, the middle aged woman who knows all too well the pains of divorce, or the lady who settles on a man whom she doesn’t love because she just can’t face being alone. I know these women and have seen them resign their hopes and settle for less. “The higher you aim, the further you fall” and “The only person you can count on is your self” they tell me. Bitter, lonely and hopeless they remind me of these things over and over again. My heart is still hopeful, though it probably shouldn’t be. They place the seed of doubt into my mind. Thoughts of angst and skepticism seep into my mind. “Who will want me now?” “Anyone worth my time would want someone fresh, and new.” My mind constantly battles between the thing that I want most and the negative thoughts and feelings that have been placed in my mind by people who have long since given up. All I have ever wanted is for someone to love me as much as I love them. I would do anything just to be happy. I just want someone to share my life with, who will give as much as I do, with out my having to ask. I shouldn’t have to ask. It doesn’t seem like a lot to expect. Yet I feel for some reason that I don’t have the right to ask it of anyone. Why is that? Why do I feel unworthy? Should I just sit and wait for someone to love me regardless of the imperfections and history that make up my life? They tell me to face reality. I’m living a dream they say. It’s always too good to be true. No man will love you if you’re a single mom. Their words sting even more when they are true. And they don’t hesitate to give me the “I told you so” look when my endeavors fail miserably. It’s almost smug and gleeful, the knowing look they give me as I sit before them shattered. I get the distinct feeling that they are almost happy that things don’t work for me. After all, if it couldn’t work for them, it obviously can’t work for me. Yet I’ve picked myself up off of the floor and gone after my dreams again. They shake their heads when I turn away from them. I don’t want to be bitter! I don’t want to settle, and I don’t want to live my life alone! How do I keep a positive outlook in the midst of such upheaval? It’s so difficult to keep my chin up when things never seem to work out for me. It’s hard to keep trying when there seems no end to my failed attempts. People tell me not to give up, stay in school; keep a positive outlook and all will be fine. It’s harder than they know. I work and I study and try desperately to balance everything. The harder I work in school, the less time I get to spend with my daughter, so I let the schooling slide. Then before you know, I’m having problems with a few classes, and I’m back to neglecting my daughter. God didn’t intend for people to be single parents. It’s not natural. I don’t think I can do this any longer, but I don’t want the harpies in the back of my mind to have their smug moment either. Sheer iron will is all that drives me now. I don’t know if it will be enough though. I’m tired of fighting. It would be easier to give up, find a job, and settle with being alone. But then I would be just like them... I don’t want to be that girl so I guess I’ll just keep fighting....