Does she know her Nightmare has ended?

The difference between her life now, compared to the life she had last year is astounding to me. I think that if she would just look around for a moment and really try to see her life now, and how much better it is, then she would probably be shocked.

Life was desperate for her back then, every moment was a constant struggle for survival and sanity. Every second of every minute of every day was a battle between her and the paranoia that lived so near to her. It was always pointing, questioning, and accusing to the point that she would wonder if any of it was true. Was it possible that the insanity that engulfed her life was a figment of her imagination, or was it fed to her daily to keep her subdued? The pain and fear she must have fought back were probably unbearable at times. And all the while she held those she cared most for at bay to protect them, placing herself in the eye of the storm to keep them from being drawn into her nightmare. It hurt so much to watch her go through such a horrible time, all the while sitting on the outside helpless to save her. It was a terrible thing to watch from the comfort of my own life.

She made a decision one day to pick her self up, dust herself off and start over. The choices she has made for her self and her son have not been easy, but she has done it in the hopes of having a happy and normal life. Her whole life has been a search for normalcy. I could sit here and write a book about the things that she has had to face growing up and choosing her own path in life. Her life has never been what most would consider normal and it is amazing just how normal she did turn out.

So now she is doing it, slowly but surely she is taking control and stepping out to that unknown darkness to make her place. It’s a scary thing braving the world in fear of failing. She has always been stronger than she appears. She has always been there for me, and I have always tried to be there for her. I told her once when she was in the middle of her terrible nightmare that people can only go so far down before there was no other choice but to rise again. Sheer hate and stubbornness are the tools she has used to pull herself up. And pull herself up she has. I’m very proud of the accomplishments she has made in her life in the last year. So the nightmare is ending and the sun is rising into a new day. What wonders there are for her just around the corner! I love you and I am so very proud of you. I just thought you needed to know that.

Stealcient....

Things have changed so much since last year. I know exactly what I was doing on this day one year ago. I was sitting on my couch, looking out of a rain smattered window completely void of any feeling. I remember that there was not a lot of emotion going through me at that time in my life. I had literally been numb for the past ten years, and was slowly starting to realize it. In the last decade there has only been one thing that brought me any kind of joy. I think with out her I would have done things drastically different than I did. I was recently told by someone close to me to be careful not to act too quickly with my new found emotions. “Emotions can be tricky and consuming.” She told me. It has literally been so long since I had any feelings, and now to have such powerful ones it is very curious. She is right though, I should be cautious. The things that passed for feelings in these last years dwindle in the light of the feelings I have today. I’ve never been cautious in life. This is the most cautious, patient and well thought out thing I have ever done in my life. Stealcient? Is that really the word? And in the light of the magnitude of emotion I feel that is saying something profound. I’ve never had to be this strong with myself before. I’ve never held back this much either, and never have I gone against what my impulses have driven me to do. I’ve always wanted everything right now, and could never wait. I've never been this patient in trying to achieve my goals. I hold back the tantelizing urges only to find myself standing still unwavering. I want so much to jump and run with all that I want right now, and still I hold back. Maybe I am getting more disiplined with age, or perhaps it is something completely different. I find myself in uncharted territory, unsure how to proceed. There seems to be no harm in waiting and watching.