Sunset is a surreal part of the day...Beautiful, the rays of light sinking into the night. 

Feather in the Sand-

Last night as the sun was sinking into the hills and the moon rose behind me I found an Eagle Feather on the river. It has profound significance to my family being Native American. Eagle feathers are gifted on very rare occasions to honor people who are walking the “Good Path” or to those who have done something very great. The Native American people believe that to find an Eagle Feather while you are walking is just the same as being honored by the creator for keeping a harmonious balance in life. It is a sign that you are doing the right things and making good and honorable choices in your life. To find a feather as perfect as the one I found on the sand is very rare. I immediately gave the feather to my friend that I was with. Explaining the importance of a gift like this one is hard to do on the spot, but this friend has done great things for me, and I wanted to make sure I explained the meaning of the feather. This is from a web site I use on occasion. It is a good explanation….


Eagle Feathers and the Path of Good Medicine
Eagle Medicine is the power of the Great Spirit, the connection to the Divine. It is the ability to live in the realm of spirit, and yet remain connected and balanced within the realm of Earth. Eagle soars, and is quick to observe expansiveness within the overall pattern of life. From the heights oh the clouds, Eagle is close to the heavens where the Great Spirit dwells.

Eagle feathers are considered infinitely sacred to traditional Native American people who make use of the feathers for a variety of purposes including ceremonial healing and purification. Eagle Medicine represents a state of presence achieved through diligence, understanding, awareness, and completion of "test of initiation" such as the vision quest or other demanding life experiences. Elder status is associated with Eagle Medicine and the power of connectedness and truth, It is through the wisdom of experience that this Medicine is earned.
The Eagle feather, which represents duality, tells the story of life. It tells of the many duality's that exist in life, such as light and dark, male and female, substance and shadow, summer and winter, peace and war, life and death. It reminds us of the teachings that Opposites are extensions of themselves like two opposing hands of the same body. Native American traditionalists look upon the Eagle feather as a sacred symbol of the balance necessary for the Circle of life to continue. J. T. Garrett, as a member of the Eastern Band of Cherokee, describes how:
The Eagle feather teaches us about the Rule of Opposites, about everything being divided into two ways. The more one is caught up in the physical, or the West, then the more one has to go in the opposite direction, the East, or the spiritual, to get balance. And it works the other way, too- you can't just focus on the spiritual to the exclusion of the physical. You need harmony in all Four Directions.
The Lesson of Opposites is that of choice. Any two Opposites are often part of the same truth. If we consider the Eagle feather with its light and dark colors, we could argue that "the dark colors are far more beautiful and, therefore, naturally more valuable," or vice versa. Regardless of which colors are said to be more beautiful, or necessary, or valuable, the truth is the bottom line: Both colors come from the same feather, both are true, they are connected, and it takes both to fly.
The balance of which the traditional way speaks is not a recognition of two separate phenomena, nor a decision as to which is best and which is worst. The balance of which the traditional way speaks is worst. The balance of which the traditional way speaks is a recognition of the "oneness" of two differing phenomena, and a decision to honor both through harmony and balance. Traditionally, a person earns the Eagle feather through enormous acts of courage, understanding, or generosity. Very often, it is through such acts that this recognition "oneness" to truth occurs, and it is here that universal learning takes place.

There are two sides of every thing in life. Balancing these things is never an easy task. The Feather is a gift to you for helping me understand that balance. The Darkness needs the Light, and the light cannot exist without the other.

History Repeats...

I’m laying here in the dark all alone. I can feel the house all around me. I think I am finally finished with this house for good. I used to live in this house when I was a teenager. My parents divorced when I was fifteen and my step dad moved into this house. My mother decided that things just couldn’t work anymore. He was angry all of the time, and didn’t want to do much besides sit around and drink case after case of beer. So my dad moved and I came to live with him two weeks out of each month. He used to lay sprawled out on the floor with an empty beer case next to him and bottles all around, the music was all you could hear. Pink Floyd would blast from the speakers into the bare room. He would do this for days, laying alone in the dark with nothing but the music and his pain and frustration to keep him company. He eventually moved on and re-married. He lives one town away now. But years later, at the beginning of my marriage I found out that I wasn’t the only one who used to live in that house. My husband had lived there too when he was a young boy. The irony only got weirder when we decided to buy the house. So there we were moving into a house that both of us had lived in once before when our parents were divorced. I used to think that this was some kind of sign telling me that my marriage was meant to be. We both grew up in the same house, and then we bought it. Our daughter now lives in the room that was ours as children. I have come to know that when I leave and take my daughter and all of my possessions, that history will repeat its self. He will lay on the floor in an empty room with nothing but the oversized speakers and a case of beer to council him. It’s funny how we end up choosing people who are so like our parents to be with. I think I did that because it gave me a sense of safety and comfort. I’ve never been a stable person, emotionally or financially. I had found someone who could take on that role for me and ended up sparing myself from having to really grow up. Now it’s been ten years and I have grown up. I’ve grown up so well that I have outgrown my need for simple comfort. I just woke up one day and realized that I wanted more out of life than to be some ones maid. I have become my mother, deciding that things just can’t be this way anymore. He is angry all of the time, and spends all of his time preoccupied with things that are not important to me or my daughter. How is it that with all of the effort I put into trying to learn from her mistakes that I end up here? I am exactly where she was fifteen years ago. I am alone, scared and unsure. The only real comfort I have is the fact that it worked out for both my mother and father in the end. My mom did it with four kids. I know I can do this with one. My father didn’t kill himself like I thought he would, he moved on and started to live life again. Will history repeat so accurately? Will it happen the same way?

My Space...

My Little World

This is my new space. Swing by and take a look.

MK

PhiloPhobia-Fear of Love. and so many more.

This is just something I was interested in, since I write scary things. It is a complete phobia list. Don’t worry I’m not having any of these problems, except my small case of coulrophobia. I’ve never liked clowns. This site is cool though and I wanted to share it. Most of these are completely viable and understandable fears, but there are some rather hilarious ones. (The fear of chickens for example, or the fear of Jews.) It isn’t like many people lay awake at night eyes wide with fear that the chickens and Jews are out to get them. But there are some interesting and funny things. Just check them out. Fear and Phobia

MK-

Written Vent of the Exausted Mind

So many things have been going through my head. It’s like a whirl wind of emotions and conversations, worries and hopes. I was asked how I can be so emotionless and cold, but what they don’t see is the emotional turmoil that rages deep inside, like a storm out of control. I’ve cried all the tears that I have, and just when there could be no more, it starts over again. It really is like mourning a death. You morn the loss of the plans and hopes, the dreams you once shared. They are all sinking into the fading light. I go from angry to happy to sad to completely numb of all emotion, only for it to all be started again. I weigh and balance all of the decisions again and again. One moment my mind is iron clad about something and the next I waver. Is that normal? I am cold, emotionless and non caring. I accuse and blame and am accused and blamed in return. I have inflicted some very harsh words this week, and received none in return. I was hurt for years, and did everything I could to change it. Suddenly I have become the bad person. The thing I wish he knew is that neither of us has to be the bad guy. Why do people have to place blame on someone else. Some times things just don’t work. Shit happens, things get fucked up. There are times when you can mend the damage that has been done, but there are also times when the wound is too deep. Can’t things just be civilized and agreed upon like adults? I’m sorry, it isn’t working. Can we at least be friends? What I would give to have it be that easy. So I am the one who is to blame. All fingers will point at me. It’s hard to watch it in his eyes. The anger and sadness mixed with desperate hope is almost more than I can bear. I just feel like I’m a child again and I’m getting hit with a big fat guilt trip. It was one of my mothers’ favorite tactics to get me to do things. It still works to this day and I hate that! I fear for the future. I do not want to end up hurting anyone. But I can’t live life like this anymore either. I gave up all of my dreams and hopes for the future so that we could have a family and a life together, but I am the only one who gave up anything. I can’t give anymore and I’m tired of hoping and waiting for things that will never happen. The vision of what I wanted when I gave up my career and my dreams is far from what I ended up with. I wanted it all the post card family. I tried too, and I tried like hell. What I got was much different from anything I ever imagined. I got to do everything for our daughter by my self. No helpful hubby to stand by me. I got to do all of the house hold chores and still manage to hold down a dead end job. I got to sit at home alone with no one to talk to but a toddler. Loneliness slowly dug its way under my skin and before I knew it the relationship changed in my mind. He became the rival, the person I had to stand up against. The bond that should have been there was not. So now when I am so close to being able to leave he starts to notice and all hell breaks loose. It is getting deep the tension can be cut with a knife when you walk through the door. It sends any surprise visitor reeling from the front door like they have hot coals in their pants. It all hurts, and it is all confusing. In the end I hope I made the right choice.

Syndrome Statistic?

It's something that I do when I'm bored, randomly surf the net. Sometimes I find things that interest me, sometimes I don't. I look up things I want to learn about, and things that have always sparked my curiosity. I have, of late been on the stressed out side of life, and it was in this strange stupor that I found an exact account of my life in the past few years. I was both horrified and relieved at the same time. It seems I have a syndrome, and I'm not the only one either. Married women around the world are all having my problem. I found this in a Divorce Web Site.... MY LIFE AS I KNOW IT

It was an eye opener.

MK