My wandering mind

The flow of the pen as I write words that don't hold weight or meaning, calms my misdirected and fragmented mind.  Shhh, shhh across the paper the pen makes it's sweeping arches...

Bored into a numb carelessness my mind slumbers rocking back and forth like a log on the ocean.  Shh,  shh the water laps the sides of the wood...

Blank and directionless into a mapless abyss, my mind wanders across the page and back.  Searching for freshness and light, yearning to awaken to inspiration, or motivation... Awaken, to anything, but no... The rocking continues, the waves keep lapping, the pen keeps arching... Shh,  shh...

It was worth it. Every cold lonely moment. It was worth it.

I came across this buried deep in my google docs. I wrote it in 2007 in a time much different for me than the time I find myself in now. I wish I could go back knowing how everything would work out, and hug myself. I so totally don't miss long distance relationships. But I can say, with out any doubt, it was all worth it.

Frozen Time

Across frozen fields of wheat and snow,

my heart flies to you on wings of denial.

Can you really be so far from me?

Eighteen days may as well be eighteen years;

Six hours drive and a hundred dollars shy of my desires.

Time painfully drags its hands in a never ending spiral

of repetitive days and nights alone.

Visions and thoughts and smells and feelings,

your face flashes through my heart, the torture of it all!

Exquisite is the pain of waiting on love!

Waiting, waiting, always waiting!

Oh, what I would give up for just one breath of you,

to feel your warm eyes on my skin.

To watch you as you dress, to be part of your routine,

to feel your weight next to me at night.

The night, God how I dread the night.

To lay alone with no one but the ticking face of time to mock me...

Ticking, ticking all I hear it the slow ticking of minutes between us!

Frustrated and trapped, in the clutches of responsibility,

my heart searches irrationally for a solution.

but time will hurry through those precious moments when it comes,

not crawling like usual, but sprinting.

Time eats at the edge of every moment with you,

threatening to steal away the heat of our small moments.

Still I wait, as love makes my mind come undone.

Waiting...

MR Dec 2007

The leaves are blowing across the courtyard out side my window and as I sit here, with nothing to do, I wonder what the next change of seasons will bring. Last autumn I fell, this autumn I rise. Last winter I waited in dark cold rooms, and this winter I hope for a spark of warmth as the world falls silent and white. Life moves under the roof for a while, hiding is the sun, born again are the Rainey days of my life. Gentle Wind pushes me further down the path, looking ahead, the Morning Star the brightest in my sky, followed by the Distant Sun. They are my guides, my reason to continue through the storm of my ever lasting fight against what is, and what I will it to be. My path was marred by the muddy bogs of life, pulling me down, now a distant memory. I will no longer take for granted the fork in my path, which way, a choice that is mine, and mine alone. Perhaps not completely, for the Star and the radiating warmth of the Sun lead me, pushing, telling me that failure isn’t an option. Climbing high in the mountain of obstacles, the Sun goes first, showing me the way… Can you believe I got that from falling leaves?

Crazy Tuesdays

I started school this last week and already I have a fantastically funny friend. Thank God she was also witness to the big haired tragedy that sat down at the bar yesterday.
I'm never going to forget that one.

So cheers to Fruity Jello Shots and Women strait out of the 80's. May your delusion take you somewhere nice.

~M~

Stupid Girl I will not watch!

She lies with her blue eyes, mouth flapping in failing attempt to deceive. She doesn’t know that I know, she doesn’t know that I understand all too well. In the dark she is afraid to tell me, in the light she doesn't think it is my business. Parental am I, to her, her father and all others too, telling her it isn’t ok, making the rules of her life for her own good. She sneaks up to the poison, telling herself she won’t fall. Her own eyes lie to her as she looks in the mirror, giddy again with stupidity. She primps in useless attempt to impress her addiction. Excuses for him… We all know her secret, we all watch, not willing to try again. She consoles herself with pity and the notion that no one understands the deep desires of her heart. She incorrectly thinks that poison has changed into wine, sexy and sweet. Fatal is the mistake she makes, all others watch, knowing… We all know! She goes again to him, her death, and her addiction. Lies to the rest and her self. “No one understands.” She thinks, it’s all in her heart, but really she is bowing to the statistics, other stupid, sad, women have fallen before her, others will follow. She keeps the circle going for her own children to learn... Way to go stupid girl! We will not watch this time, we will let go first, me, and the others too. If poison is her choice, we will not be. Does she really know the choice she is making, between him or us? Does she care? Again, she goes, FORGETTING that it was finally over! She was free! Stupid girl! I will not help you again! I would rather die than watch you kill yourself. Stop insulting me and the others by lying to us! We know that you have forgotten your nightmare was over. So go be the statistic you want to be so badly and teach your son to be the monster too... But We will not watch again!

Realization vs Wishing

Sitting and pondering my own procrastination towards the next phase of my life, it suddenly became clear the reasoning behind the lack of a choice. I know now why things have to be this way right now. I suddenly understand you! Perhaps I’m wrong though… Why do I wait and put these things off one more day… Just one more day. “I’ll do it tomorrow.” It’s what I tell myself at the abrupt end of each lonely night. Change is hard, scary and unfathomable in its new aspects. It piles high on my shoulders in an awful weight and stress. The actions to clear the stress are simple, and would take but a day. Why do I still put them off? I would feel much better having gotten these things behind me. Instead I sit and wallow in hope and memory, not wanting to face my immediate reality. “God, please, just give me this one thing…” Silent is the ceiling above me, but ominous in the dark. Alone I ache in my chest to the very bones. The emotional rope I have tethered to you pulls at my heart. Another day passes in slow agony, the same relentless march as the day before. Menial tasks to tell you at night, not really saying what I wish I could say, and never hearing what I want, but hoping still. Hope and time, waiting and keeping busy. Tick and tock are my ardent companions into the late hour of dark. Dreaming of a face and hands as they go by. Blink and they are gone from me again. Another day, and nothing, nothing, nothing. I’ll get that finished tomorrow, until then, I wait. Wait for the stress to push me into action, push me over the edge, and push me back to you. Time, the thief and the giver, never gives when you want him to, but takes as you hold tight to your treasures. Plenty and not enough, it stares at me with its bank face, that face that I love, I can’t take my eyes off of you. Please give me what I want. Quickly though, before the marching begins again.

My attempt at Iambic Pentameter

You go through the morning motions, every single day,
You drive the turns and stops to work.
It always is the same…
You push, and turn and bend and pray.
It's never going to change…
You open the same front door each night.
Why won't it ever change?
You kiss the man who sleeps to the right.
It always is the same…
You wonder where your life has gone.
It's time to make a change…
You’ll have the guts tomorrow.
You fear the coming change…
You lay your head and wait for dawn.
You know you have to change…
You close your eyes and drift away.
It always is the same…
You dream at night of a better way.
You’re wishing for a change…
You go through the morning motions,

The Sun On My Back

I know her life as intimately as the back of my hand.
Buried and long forgotten she had hopes untold.
Her life was so small with large bills and no rewards,
Awaking each morning to sleepwalk through her life,
never feeling but pretending to feel.
She ignored and made excuses for many terrible things,
never admitting, but pretending all was well.
Her life was laid out before her, unrelenting like a clock,
an inescapable stone prison for the events of her life.
She couldn’t have known it was her last night to bed.
I woke up that next morning alone in her room,
suffocating in the reality of her life.
Bright and hot and sharp and loud,
unknown emotions exploded onto our day.
Our day became my own, she died and I was born.
I used her hands and her feet,
Never hesitating, knowing things were not okay
I took her world, and breathed new life into dead hope.
The world was bright and crisp, suddenly aware, awake.
Walking away with the sun on my back,
never looking over my shoulder to see the ghost of her.

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Realizing my own Pep talk.

A little over a year and a half ago, I woke up one day in my little life feeling strangled and caged. It took a lot of courage and finally I broke out of my self imposed prison of circumstance and decided to become more. I suddenly had the gift of knowing exactly what I wanted out of life. I knew where I wanted to go, what I was looking for and what kind of person I was going to be. That first six months was terrifying as I tried desperately to erase the person that I was for the last ten years. I was petrified of stepping out into the unknown. The nasty little voices in my head told me to go back, give up, and I ignored them all. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew deep down inside that I would find a way to get out of the unhealthy life I was leading. So I started by putting one foot in front of the other. Each step was extremely difficult and the weight of my past pulled at my stride as I finally just walked away.

Now a full year and a half later I have learned much about what kind of person I am and who I will be. The things I have learned are simple. No one will live my life for me, I have to do it and be responsible for my own choices and actions. It is with in my power to achieve my goals and to set new ones. Everything that needs done in my life isn’t going to be finished by someone else; it is up to me. These are some of the things I’ve learned in becoming this new person that was nothing more than a shadow in my mind two years ago. Now, I am working hard every day to keep a clear vision of the things I need to do to in order to finish what I started. I can and will do the things I set my mind to. I know that now.

A series of tunnels and lights...

I have to walk through the darkness for untold amounts of space, until I reach the warm light place that I yearn for. Then another tunnel appears around the corner and I see that I have no choice but to continue on through the darkness alone and cold. There is no turning back, and no stopping. There is no telling how long I will be walking in the obscurity that is my loneliness, this tunnel of darkness in the form of time. I spend such a long time muddling my way through the shadows of isolation that I almost forget the face of the warmth I seek. The ticking of the clock slows until I reach my temporary destination, then the hands fly in circles to speed my return to the solitary confines of my lonely mind. My thoughts torture me with memories and visions of softness and warmth, of laughter and joy, all the while I am trapped by the circumstances my heart has put me in. Will there ever be an end to my dark tunnel? Will I ever find myself walking in the light with no darkness ahead? I hate the darkness I feel inside with the absence of you, the light. How do I continue to endure the darkness when I fear the light doesn’t want me?

To give up is to loose all hope, to loose all hope is to Despair...

I don’t want to end up like her... The girl who bitterly hates and distrusts men, the middle aged woman who knows all too well the pains of divorce, or the lady who settles on a man whom she doesn’t love because she just can’t face being alone. I know these women and have seen them resign their hopes and settle for less. “The higher you aim, the further you fall” and “The only person you can count on is your self” they tell me. Bitter, lonely and hopeless they remind me of these things over and over again. My heart is still hopeful, though it probably shouldn’t be. They place the seed of doubt into my mind. Thoughts of angst and skepticism seep into my mind. “Who will want me now?” “Anyone worth my time would want someone fresh, and new.” My mind constantly battles between the thing that I want most and the negative thoughts and feelings that have been placed in my mind by people who have long since given up. All I have ever wanted is for someone to love me as much as I love them. I would do anything just to be happy. I just want someone to share my life with, who will give as much as I do, with out my having to ask. I shouldn’t have to ask. It doesn’t seem like a lot to expect. Yet I feel for some reason that I don’t have the right to ask it of anyone. Why is that? Why do I feel unworthy? Should I just sit and wait for someone to love me regardless of the imperfections and history that make up my life? They tell me to face reality. I’m living a dream they say. It’s always too good to be true. No man will love you if you’re a single mom. Their words sting even more when they are true. And they don’t hesitate to give me the “I told you so” look when my endeavors fail miserably. It’s almost smug and gleeful, the knowing look they give me as I sit before them shattered. I get the distinct feeling that they are almost happy that things don’t work for me. After all, if it couldn’t work for them, it obviously can’t work for me. Yet I’ve picked myself up off of the floor and gone after my dreams again. They shake their heads when I turn away from them. I don’t want to be bitter! I don’t want to settle, and I don’t want to live my life alone! How do I keep a positive outlook in the midst of such upheaval? It’s so difficult to keep my chin up when things never seem to work out for me. It’s hard to keep trying when there seems no end to my failed attempts. People tell me not to give up, stay in school; keep a positive outlook and all will be fine. It’s harder than they know. I work and I study and try desperately to balance everything. The harder I work in school, the less time I get to spend with my daughter, so I let the schooling slide. Then before you know, I’m having problems with a few classes, and I’m back to neglecting my daughter. God didn’t intend for people to be single parents. It’s not natural. I don’t think I can do this any longer, but I don’t want the harpies in the back of my mind to have their smug moment either. Sheer iron will is all that drives me now. I don’t know if it will be enough though. I’m tired of fighting. It would be easier to give up, find a job, and settle with being alone. But then I would be just like them... I don’t want to be that girl so I guess I’ll just keep fighting....

Balance

There are days when my whole world seems to come crashing down all around me. Suddenly everything has piled up and there seems to be no end to the tasks that need finished. I am completely shocked that this could have happened with the meticulous schedule I keep. How could so many things just suddenly need finishing all at once? My mind races with the long list of things and responsibilities threatening the corners of my day. There simply aren’t enough hours in my day to accomplish all that needs to be done. One last push, keep pushing, keep moving, one more evolution, one more day. It’s like sorting through a mountain of objects trying to put them in order of importance. How do you balance these things? Obligations to my daughter and school, and work, and my family, the legal paperwork and quarterly reports, house work, and home work, they all press me for attention. Sleep gets the back burner yet again as I sit through the night sorting the mess out piece by piece. The mess will clear, as all messes do, only to make room for a different mess. This one came on quick though. Damn, didn’t see it coming. How could I, every minute of my day is for a specific thing, I spend so much of my time looking closely at each small thing that sometimes I miss the big picture. I’ve gotten behind again. Being a single mom is harder than most people know. It’s a never ending juggling act that is emotionally, mentally and physically draining. So, I have to pick myself up, and keep moving again quitting isn't an option.

It's as clear as the dawn........

I think I’ve figured out why it happened. The two things are really one thing, and can’t be separated. At first I thought I could separate the two, using one side to avoid the other. Sitting on my couch in a silent room it just hit me why. They are like the day and the night; they cannot exist with out each other. The day can be warm and engulfing, setting fire to your heart and your soul. The suns rays fight out the darkness to make room for growth and stability. The night can be wild and passionate like a fierce animal with primitive motivations; hearts beating in the thrill of the nightly chase. But the two cannot exist on completely separate planes. The dawn will always come just as the sun will always set. Those precious few moments in the day when it is both day and night simultaneously are both beautiful and wild at the same time. Love is like the dawn and the sunset. They are an intermingling of the two sides of attraction. There can only be so many nights before you finally awake to the day. And you can’t have the day without the night. Both are equally important in keeping the balance, otherwise the sun would never rise, shining its bright beams into the dark, and the sun would never set sharing the skies for the stars to shine. The most beautiful time of day is that transition from light to dark or from dark to light, the twilight hours of the day where things are still dreaming, but also awake. That is what I want to look for. That space where I can have both, the love and the passion. But it never seems to last….

I've fallen and I'm leaving...someday

As the plane took off and the gravity pulled us back in our seats, I kept thinking two words over and over. “Fucking Awesome” I was looking out the window as the land turned to sea, white puffy clouds became like snow beneath us. Our plane touched down in Honolulu and as we stepped out into the warm fragrant air I was instantly amazed at how open the airport was. There were not many walls and reminded me of a very large covered deck. The palm trees and hibiscus flowers were flowing in the breeze and the air was moist and warm. The excitement rose in my stomach yet again as we boarded the last flight to Kauai and I became completely giddy. My cheeks got sore from smiling and I had to physically stop myself to stop my face from cramping up.

Paradise was everything and more than I ever imagined it could be. The food was to die for at every little place we ate. My favorite was the Island Burger in the Coconut market just out side our hotel. I had pineapple waffles with coconut syrup and it was heavenly. The restaurants were all open like all the rest of the buildings which made me wonder what they did in the rainy season, but the locals told me that it has never really been a problem. There were chickens and roosters that walked freely all over the island, which I later learned was because they were accidentally set loose from a chicken farm a few years back and had since taken over the island. You could see them everywhere you went, even as you were sitting in a four star hotel, they would walk through as though they too were just enjoying the sites. This island gives new meaning to the joke “why did the chicken cross the road?”

I fell in love with the sites and smells of paradise as soon as I stepped foot into the sun. Every where you look there is a view worthy of photographing. I was in sensory overload the whole time I was there. It was easy to become drunk off of the experience of it all. The only feeling I could compare this to be falling in love. My head swam and I found myself swaying to tropical music at every turn. Life in a place like this is slow and stress free. The locals smiled warmly and were quick to laugh their big hearty laughs.
I’ve never gone anywhere and had people be that happy all of the time. I was told that the unemployment rate had risen in the last year to a whopping two percent! There were help wanted signs everywhere.

I am in love with that place. People wait their whole lives to have one day of that life, how lucky the people of Kauai are to have it every moment…. I can’t imagine a life where I was that happy all of the time. The romance of the place was dreamlike. I watched as a couple gently kissed as they walked out into the sun holding hands. They seemed to be sleepily walking as though in a fragile dream. Seeing the happiness in their stride made me long for a life like that. I’ve decided that one day, I am going to buy a one way ticket and never come back. I just have to finish college first…. J mahalo universe for showing me that

Sifting through confusing times.

There are days in which I believe I know how and what I truly want in life. Then something is said, or changed and then all of the things I counted as concrete in my life suddenly crumble to pieces. Sifting through the rubble of a shaken reality I find myself lost and asking why... There were days when that simple sound brought a smile to my face, and days where it quickly caused my tears to run. I wish very much that I could live life in an unrealistic day where smiles and kisses are warm. That unrealistic day has passed into yesterday and I am left with a blank canvas. Where do I go from here?

"He's just not that into you." Read this Book

This book is written by a man, from his perspective, and is a huge eye opener for any woman who has ever been stuck in the limbo of a relationship that they alone are trying to save.

Girls, and guys for that matter, this is a must read. I highly recomend it.

To all of the women out there who have ever heard the following from a man they were in love with: “I was too busy to call you when I said I was going to.” “I just need some time to figure things out for me.” “I love you, but I can’t be there when you need me to.” “I’m not ready for this level of commitment.”

There are hundreds of things guys say to girls when they just don’t want to tell them that they aren’t the “ONE”. The big secret is that men would rather loose a limb than be the bad guy, they would rather drag out a relationship that they don’t want so that they don’t have to be the one who is wrong, or the one who does the hurting. The simple fact is that men can’t be the bad guy, and will continue in a dead end relationship because they don’t have the guts to end it and hurt you.


Excerpt from 'He's Just Not That Into You'
By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

The "Maybe He Doesn't Want to Ruin the Friendship" Excuse

Dear Greg,
I'm so disappointed. I have this friend that I've known platonically for about ten years. He lives in a different city and recently he was in town for work, so we met for dinner. All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, "So, what, you're working the whole 'model thing' now?" (That's flirting, right?) We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I'm disappointed because it's been two weeks and he hasn't called me. Can I call him? He might be nervous about turning the friendship into romance. Can't I give him a nudge now? Isn't that what friends are for?
Jodi

Dear Friendly Girl,

Two weeks is two weeks, except when it's ten years and two weeks. That's how long ago he decided whether or not he could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster — but watch how fast that nudge doesn't get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it's been two weeks and he's had time to think about it and decide he's just not that into you. Here's the truth: Guys don't mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a "Fuck buddy" situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep conversation and model looks.

I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves — we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. And please, don't tell me he's just "scared." The only thing he's scared of — and I say this with a lot of love — is how not attracted to you he is.

Looking back, taking my own advice....

I wrote this post in July.... (Drive)

Sometimes I really like that I can look back at my own forgotten wisdom and remember the lessons I had to learn in order to know. It seems that life is a series of meetings and partings, a never ending cycle of lessons and experience. I have learned much from this, and lost much in return. I can hold my head high, and know that I tried. I can remember the greatness of it all with out regret. And hopefully I can walk away with out leaving a scar.

Sleep sweet......... and good night.

Twist of Fate, Change in Weather.

The snow is drifting down out side of the window. Yesterday was sunny and warm, like spring lovely and bright. Today is cloudy and white like a gloomy dream. I guess you never can tell what the next day will bring. I thought I knew, I thought I understood. I was proven very wrong. How do you get used to the snow when you were preparing for spring? Twisted are the winds of the changing weather. Cruel is the hope of sunny days to come. It gives off just enough light to keep you dangling, only to freeze the ground the next day and squash all remaining rays of hope. They say the sun will shine again, and warmth and goodness will be had once more. I’m not so sure anymore. I’m not sure if I want to place my faith in that again. I’ve done my thinking on the present subject at hand. I’ve found myself angry and hurt, bitter and untrusting. How selfish it is to use such a reason. How removed from reality are the lying eyes of spring.

I break things...

Last wednsday I was driving home from work, and on the way up the hill, I seized my truck. Come to find out, I blew the head gasket, burnt a valve, and cracked the block. (I still owe 5K on this damn thing.) So I borrow my moms hippie van for a few days until I can get the money together to buy a new car. The second day I had it, I went to get into it, and it has a blown head gasket! Two cars in two days! My luck is great! So I find a great deal on a little car, it runs great, the next day I go to change the title over, and two minutes after I put the new plates on it, the car starts to steam! I know, from previous experience that the smell is engine coolant. Yep,, car number three in one week. So it's in the shop, I did talk the previous owner into paying for it, but it still makes me wonder. WTF? My friends all have a theory about me and the cars I've blown up this week. My sister even gave me a new Super Hero name! Anti-Auto Girl! Sweet! I'm not allowed to drive any of my friends cars until my car burning chapter has ended. My other friend sent me this CD, I'm not usually a huge country fan, but I thought you would all get a kick out of this one.

Artist/Band: Jo ErikaLyrics for Song:
I Break Things
Lyrics for Album: Erika Jo

I broke most of Mama’s dishes
She banned me from the kitchen
when I was a kidI tore Daddy’s truck to pieces
Left it in a heap that no mechanic could fix
You don’t believe me I can see you laughin’
But trust me I’m an accident waiting here to happen

[CHORUS]
Cause I break things
Anything I touchI just get around and then I’m bound to tear ‘em up
Yeah, I make things
Snap and fall apart
So if you wanna hold me boy, you’d better watch your heart
Cause I break things

You say I’m nothing you can’t handle
You’re tougher than enamel
Well baby we’ll seeI’m like a wrecking ball coming
You’re better off running
Bar away from me
Don’t get me wrong now baby I adore ya
It’s only right that I give you fair warning

[CHORUS]
Cause I break things
Anything I touchI just get around and then
I’m bound to tear ‘em upYeah, I make thingsSnap and fall apart
So if you wanna hold me boy, you’d better watch your heart
Cause I break things

Rain is wet
The desert is dry
That’s the way it’ll always be
Fire is hot
It’s dark at night
The sun comes up in the east

And I break things
Anything I touch
I just get around and then I’m bound to tear ‘em up
Yeah, I make things
Snap and fall apart
So if you wanna hold me boy, you’d better watch your heart
Cause I break thingsI break things


So you get the point....

Wish me luck. I need it.
M

Of Dragons and Writing....

It's rare to find someone in life that you can truly connect with. I seem to connect better with the keys of my laptop than I do with real people at times. Writing for me is almost like being a drug addict. Every time I get upset, depressed or stressed out, I find comfort in the clicking of the keys. I can't stop myself from pooring my ever hopeful heart out onto the mainstream of the internet for all to see. In life, as in my writing I find that I let things come right out, with out giving them much thought before hand. My best friends swear that they didn't make a filter for me. That little voice that tells you "Hey, you probably should shut up right about now". I don't seem to have it. I'm finding that it is hard for people to take. Especially those whom I try to get close to. My life seems to be a battle against being alone. I guess it's something the Dragon in me will have to learn to deal with. But you are always here for me, the unsuspecting passer by, my faceless audience. I always have you to turn to, and though you don't always let me know your there, I know. I think I'll write you something scary today, there is an odd chill in the air.

The Icing on the cake, or is that more rain?

I thought the sun had come back, but just as a ray of hope broke through the dark clouds, the rain came crashing down harder than ever. It seems like everything happens at the same time. The rain dampens everything it touches, and before you know it, your wet to the core and rushing for cover. Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard you try, you can’t stop the water from touching all of the things you don’t want ruined. I’ve been desperately trying to keep all of these things together, and all in the same week it seems like everything is falling apart. Things are breaking down around me. I feel like I’ve been soaked to the depths of my soul, and all of the important things around me are threatening to wash away.

I guess everyone has bad days, mine has been a bad month. So many things have gone so wrong in the last few weeks, I can't even imagine what could be next. I don't feel like it's over yet. The weather man said it's supposed to be sunny tomorow, but I think I'll bring an umbrella just in case.

The Inconceivable Event Singularity

In the last fifty years we as humans have evolved more technologically than we have in the last two thousand years. Technological progress has been central to human existence since the dawn of the human era and in the last century has begun to excel at an amazing rate. It is believed by many groups in the scientific world that an event called Technological Singularity will occur with in the next thirty years due to the advancement in sciences such as Artificial Intelligence, Computer/human interfaces and Biological Nanotechnology. Singularity, a term coined by Venor Vinge of the Department of Mathematical Sciences at San Diego State University, is described as a point in time when the acceleration of technological progress surpasses all possible human understanding. Theoretically this will be brought about with the creation of a smarter than human intelligence which in turn will be capable of creating an even smarter intelligence, thus surpassing all human comprehension. Technological Singularity will end our way of life as we know it and impact human civilization in ways that we will have no way to predict therefore the advancement toward such an event should be carefully approached and monitored.

There are three possibilities in which this event could come about. The first is based on the advancement of Artificial Intelligence. The belief behind this theory is that large computer networks could someday “awaken” becoming self aware and completely understanding of the world around them. The second method is central to the advances in Biological sciences coupled with Nanotechnology. Nanotechnology is the creation of a microscopic Biomechanical machine that is placed into the blood stream to correct cellular damage. The idea is that through advances in medical science we may be able to develop the ability to learn at high speeds naturally, thus exceeding the normal intelligence of the average human. The last of these concepts is contingent with a newer advancement called Computer to human interface. This is where a computer or computer chip is directly linked to the human brain. This is very similar to the idea behind the movie “The Matrix”. (Sony patented one of the first Computer/brain interfaces in 2002 and is currently in the testing phase.) The interface could allow the user to learn at speeds currently limited by the speed between the synapses in the human brain. This would boost the ability to retain information and enhance recollection speeds. This may all sound a little science fiction, but in the seventies the Jetsons had cell phones and microwaves, while here in the real world we were still listening to transistor radios and having unprotected sex. Science fiction is becoming reality.

These are just three of the ways that we know could lead to the Technological Singularity, a time where normal humans are no longer the smartest life on the planet. We are facing the dawn of a new era. There is no way to conceive the outcome of such an event. This could render the natural human obsolete in the eyes of the new intellect, weather it be computer or a super advanced human. There are both positive and negative consequences conducive to creating an intelligence that surpasses our own limits. It is widely argued that the new A.I. will have goals inconsistent with those of the human race. Advocates of Friendly A.I. are working to create what they call “Seed A.I.” that will have to abide by a set of rules prohibiting an artificial intelligence from harming humans. The idea behind this is to keep humans in control. The embodiment of this idea has been addressed in the writings of Isaac Asimov’s book “The three laws of robotics”. This concept has failed in many scenarios in the science fiction world. A good example of this failed set of rules is in the movie “I Robot”. In this movie, the innocent looking blue eyed Robot becomes self aware and explains to the programmer in a soft knowing voice, why he has violated the “Three Laws”. “You charge us with your safe keeping, yet despite our best efforts, your countries wage wars, you toxify your earth...and pursue ever more imaginative means to self destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival.” In the movie, the robots end up policeing the human world in order to keep them safe.

There is no logical way we can accurately predict what such an entity would think about the world around it. There is no way to know how this will affect the people of this world. There are many groups opposing Singularity, who avidly argue that control should not be given over and progress on the different forms of A.I. should be closely monitored. One of the forefathers of the apposing side is Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber, who wrote this in his Manifesto. “The human race might easily permit itself to drift into a position of such dependence on the machines that it would have no practical choice but to accept all of the machines decisions.” Groups such as “Earth First!” and “The Foresight Institute” (A non profit think tank) are working to create awareness of the possible negitive impacts Singularity could have on our world. The incomprehensible ways this could affect humans and their role in the world is mind boggling. The negitive consequences could be devistating to the human race if we don’t pay close attention to our actions in creating such a force.

Technological Singularity could very well be the end of life as we know it. Humans may have to step down as the dominant race and either be controlled or anaialated by the new predocessor. The fact that we have no way to predict what a smarter than human intelegence will think or how it will behave is terrifying when you think about the possibilities. Steps need to be taken to make sure that people remain in control. The Futurists and Singularitarians working to make singularity a reality need to proceed with extreme caution in their race to end society. Laws need to be created on a global scale to ensure the safety of our future. Rushing blindly to create something we don’t yet understand is very ignorant and can lead to great disaster. Technological advances are esential to life in the human world, but proceed cautiously! The future of the human race depends on it.

Technological Evolution

Technological Singularity is prophesized to happen with in the next thirty years. Singularity refers to a point in time that is impossible for any human to predict the out come due to the advancement of computer technology and AI to a point where self aware, smarter than human intelligence has been created. This intelligence will in turn be capable of creating even smarter intelligence that will also attain a sense of self awareness that will change life as we know it.

Here are some good links on the subject: Singularity by Wikipedia
Singularity Institute.

Check out these sites this is cool stuff!

There is speculation over how singularity will arive, but most agree that it will inevitably happen in the next thirty years. Wrap your mind around that.....

Wonder Woman gracefully teaches Love.

It’s that time of year, and my tree is glowing in the corner of my living room. Warm smells of cinnamon and pine heat the air. My little girl eagerly checks the tags on the presents under the tree with a childlike wonder and curiosity. I tend to bake a lot in the winter, mostly the nostalgic memory of my mother baking all winter drives me to relive those days when I would come in with icy cheeks to a freshly baked loaf of homemade bread. Life seemed simpler in those days. How did she hold it all together? She was always gracious and loving, always there with a big smile and caring hands to help me remove the wet gloves and socks from my near frost bitten toes. She always found a way to make the winter special and magical. My mother was like the calm and caring mother from Bambi, always answering all of my questions of wonder with a knowing charge, and graceful manor. She made it a point to make it clear to me her feelings of absolute love. I have never questioned the fact that my mom loved me more than life it’s self. I have tried in my own parenthood to carry that down. I love my daughter more than I love anything or anyone in the world. I can see my own childhood in my daughter’s eyes. I’ve always believed that the material wants of life are far less important than the memories that we carry with us in life. The memories and interactions with those who are important to us make up the people we become in life. That saying “He who dies with the most, still dies.” is solid fact in the concept that is my life. I’ve never had a lot of money or physical things in my life, but the memories I have will always be a part of my soul. I think that the memories we create in life are much more important than any fiscal gain. My mother spent her life sacrificing to make my life a string of warm and happy memories. I can only imagine the things she gave up for us. How unselfish she must have been, and how determined? I only hope that I can be this successful as a parent, and pray that my own daughter will someday look back with the understanding of what I have given up for her, and know that I have absolutely loved her unconditionally. This year has been hard, but liberating. I’m doing everything on my own and my one comfort is the knowledge that she did the same thing with four children and still managed to keep her loving demeanor and never lost her mental strength. She kept us all afloat when the sea of life was at its most ferocious for her. She excelled in a stressful situation and came out gracefully and magnanimously. Being an adult and still being so close to my mother I have come to learn some of the dreams and hopes she gave up to keep us clothed and fed. My mother is my closest and dearest friend. I’ve grown up with her and learned from her mistakes as much as I could. I am eternally thankful for her gentle guidance and ability to balance authority with the friendship we still share. I can remember being my daughter’s age when she held my hand and told me that I was her best friend. She and I have always had a special bond, as have my other brothers and sisters. My mom has been the heroin of my life. If there was ever a woman that was a wonder to me it is my mother. I hope someday that I can fill those shoes for my own daughter. My mom is my hero. She keeps me going when all seems hopeless, coming up with brilliant options for my life’s direction. She is my strength and guidance, she is my idol and I admire her strengths and her weaknesses. How lucky I was to be the one to draw her as a mother out of the heavenly lottery of birth.

Does she know her Nightmare has ended?

The difference between her life now, compared to the life she had last year is astounding to me. I think that if she would just look around for a moment and really try to see her life now, and how much better it is, then she would probably be shocked.

Life was desperate for her back then, every moment was a constant struggle for survival and sanity. Every second of every minute of every day was a battle between her and the paranoia that lived so near to her. It was always pointing, questioning, and accusing to the point that she would wonder if any of it was true. Was it possible that the insanity that engulfed her life was a figment of her imagination, or was it fed to her daily to keep her subdued? The pain and fear she must have fought back were probably unbearable at times. And all the while she held those she cared most for at bay to protect them, placing herself in the eye of the storm to keep them from being drawn into her nightmare. It hurt so much to watch her go through such a horrible time, all the while sitting on the outside helpless to save her. It was a terrible thing to watch from the comfort of my own life.

She made a decision one day to pick her self up, dust herself off and start over. The choices she has made for her self and her son have not been easy, but she has done it in the hopes of having a happy and normal life. Her whole life has been a search for normalcy. I could sit here and write a book about the things that she has had to face growing up and choosing her own path in life. Her life has never been what most would consider normal and it is amazing just how normal she did turn out.

So now she is doing it, slowly but surely she is taking control and stepping out to that unknown darkness to make her place. It’s a scary thing braving the world in fear of failing. She has always been stronger than she appears. She has always been there for me, and I have always tried to be there for her. I told her once when she was in the middle of her terrible nightmare that people can only go so far down before there was no other choice but to rise again. Sheer hate and stubbornness are the tools she has used to pull herself up. And pull herself up she has. I’m very proud of the accomplishments she has made in her life in the last year. So the nightmare is ending and the sun is rising into a new day. What wonders there are for her just around the corner! I love you and I am so very proud of you. I just thought you needed to know that.

Stealcient....

Things have changed so much since last year. I know exactly what I was doing on this day one year ago. I was sitting on my couch, looking out of a rain smattered window completely void of any feeling. I remember that there was not a lot of emotion going through me at that time in my life. I had literally been numb for the past ten years, and was slowly starting to realize it. In the last decade there has only been one thing that brought me any kind of joy. I think with out her I would have done things drastically different than I did. I was recently told by someone close to me to be careful not to act too quickly with my new found emotions. “Emotions can be tricky and consuming.” She told me. It has literally been so long since I had any feelings, and now to have such powerful ones it is very curious. She is right though, I should be cautious. The things that passed for feelings in these last years dwindle in the light of the feelings I have today. I’ve never been cautious in life. This is the most cautious, patient and well thought out thing I have ever done in my life. Stealcient? Is that really the word? And in the light of the magnitude of emotion I feel that is saying something profound. I’ve never had to be this strong with myself before. I’ve never held back this much either, and never have I gone against what my impulses have driven me to do. I’ve always wanted everything right now, and could never wait. I've never been this patient in trying to achieve my goals. I hold back the tantelizing urges only to find myself standing still unwavering. I want so much to jump and run with all that I want right now, and still I hold back. Maybe I am getting more disiplined with age, or perhaps it is something completely different. I find myself in uncharted territory, unsure how to proceed. There seems to be no harm in waiting and watching.

When I grow up-

I have this friend who has, since I’ve known her, had and executed a plan for her future without hesitation or deviation. She has always known what she wanted to do and has planned out her future right down to where she will be living in the next few years and how it is all going to work. I’ve never had the luxury of a well thought out and meticulously planned out life. How safe it must feel to know what you will be doing and where you will go. I’ve never been a planner, mostly because of the fact that I’m a really impulsive person. But it never fails to amaze me each time she completes one of her planned tasks. Perhaps I am so in awe of her planning and completion of those plans because of the way I was raised. Plans were made and rarely kept. To me plans just left more room for disappointment. So planning was more like daydreaming. We always said we would do something someday, but I the plans never got to the production point. So now she is well on her way to becoming the very thing she chose when she was younger. She has no idea how much I look up to her and admire her hard work. She also has no idea how much I almost hate her for making it all look so easy. I feel a slight sense of fear knowing that I’m still undecided about what I want to do with my future. I feel like a little kid who put off doing their homework until five minutes before the teacher walks by the desk to pick it up. It is painfully clear to me at this point of my life that I have failed to plan for my future and that my future is just around the corner. On the first day of class this quarter I actually walked into a math class two minutes late, and everyone thought I was the instructor. Never mind the fact that most of the boys in my college level class don’t yet have the ability to grow facial hair or that the girls in the back don’t have their license yet. I’m fifteen years behind… God that sucks!
So here I am, swallowing my pride and trying to just focus on the task at hand. Figure out what I want to be when I grow up. What do I want to be? Why when I have all of these things that I’m good at can I not just choose something and go with it? I’ve learned a great deal from her these last few years about life and the ability of one person to push through the road blocks and make things happen. She inspires me to go for the things that I want. I only hope I’ve helped her as much as she has helped me…

The begining of an Infatuation with Art

I was sitting in the upper staircase on the third step. The sun was shining through the gossamer curtain and warming the century old wood on the window ceil. The dusty smell from fifty years of built up spider webs and dead lady bugs seemed to be a constant undertone in the warm aroma that hung in the air. Somewhere below me I could hear my Aunt Linda laughing and my Grandma talking. The house was silent, and it always struck me as odd that the house never groaned during the day, seeing as it was such an old house. It was as though the house was sleeping in the warmth of the autumn sun. The oak and willow trees that surround the house would dance slowly in the wind as the leaves swirled around in the air in bright colors of orange and red. The mountains were blue and ominous in the backdrop surrounded with thunder heads that were dark and threatening. But it was warm and sunny as I sat on the step looking out the window. The crisp red apple I held in my hand was one of the last from the tree in the back yard. As I ate the apple relishing the sweet and bitter taste I gazed drunkenly at the painting in front of me. Various classical paintings lined the staircase; they were all there, my favorites. DaVinci, Monet, Rembrandt… I was never sure who picked the wall hangings in the stairwell, weather it was my grandma or someone else,but who ever she was, she had impeccable taste. I would stand there looking up in awe, with my bare feet on the glossy wooden floor. They would always find me there staring, memorizing, and imagining as I looked at the different creations. There were colonial battle scenes, ladies, men, ballerinas, people on horses, and one very small painting of Napoleon. Who ever picked out the art for the walls, they were not fans of sceneries. I liked that all of the paintings were of people. The eyes were always my focal point. I believed that the souls of the people that sat for the paintings could look out of the paintings and perhaps stare at awe at me as I stood there looking up at them. This notion got a little creepy on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night though. During the day the house was a warm magical treasure of history and art, by night it was the stereotypical haunted house that adorns every Halloween decoration. I loved that house; it was the only constant place as I grew up moving from place to place. I have such vivid memories and so detailed that if I concentrate long enough, it’s almost as though I can time travel back to those moments in the grand staircase to stare lovingly at my art. I would give almost anything to stand in that staircase and breathe in the smells and feel the energy off of the house and see the paintings again.

My love for water.

During the summer I kayak the river a lot. Kayaking has the ability to be a very dangerous and deadly sport if you slip up for even one second. The adrenaline rush that comes from the wild experience of the river makes me feel truly alive. It’s as if a veil has been lifted from my eyes and suddenly I am awake for the first time. All of the petty everyday shit melts away and all that is left is me and the river as it wraps its self around me. The water around me is suddenly the only thing that exists or matters as the currents pull and push me this way and that. At that momen I feel the reality that I am also made mostly of water. I feel completely one with the river around me. I know that I could sink into the cold darkness of it and it would take me. Then the calm quiet turns to a deafening roar and the gravity suddenly grabs on hard, holding my body close to the crashing waves on the rocks. The feeling is amazing. It’s addictive and wild. It stirs something deep inside me that brings out the person I really am, and for that one moment on the water as the waves crash and threaten my very existence, I know exactly who I am.

Is it ever Clear?

Have you ever felt something you shouldn’t feel? It’s confusing, on one hand things progress in a manor that it is only natural to feel the feelings you are at that time. But on the other hand you have circumstances that say you shouldn’t feel this way yet. I have this internal argument that wages wars against each other daily. “Not yet, wait a while longer, what are you thinking?” “Be patient,” one side says. The other side doesn’t care and goes on doing and feeling what it wants to. I’m probably completely crazy at this point for admitting that I argue with myself all day long. But then, isn’t everyone a little crazy sometimes? I keep wondering if this is a path of self discovery or a path of self destruction that I am on. I do know the following to be true. As of today, in my life I have fought for what I wanted and lost. I have tried which is more than some can say. I have learned many a lesson because of the choices I made in my past. I have worked long and hard and earned little. I know the value of the little things and take pleasure in being a real human. I can say I have hated and been hated. Now I can also say that I have really loved, and that means a lot to me. Feelings are complicated things that seem to only complicate themselves more and more until one final moment when all is supposed to be clear. Clarification eludes me.

Fall....the death of Summer.

It's funny how at the begining of every new season I always feel nostalgic for the years past. It always just catches me by supprise and I look around at the beauty of the changing leaves and the wonderous colors that are brought on by the slow death of summer. I breathe in deep the smells of the changing life around me. The fall always makes me want to sit and curl up with a couple of books under a warm fluffy blanket and sip hot tea or cider while the wind and rain beat against the window. I bake alot in the fall. It's strange how the weather can alter our moods and mental state. Life around us is always reinventing it's self in the relentless march of the seasons. I love the fall with the warm tones and the drastic differences between light and dark, cold and warm. I know people who hate this time of year, but I think it's one of the most beautiful. Funny how beautiful the world can be as everything dies for the winter. The leaves are so tempting and I re-live memories of childhood jumping through endless piles of orange and red maple leaves. I love the fall..The death of Summer.

MK

The spaces in between

It is completely silent in my new place but for the tick, tick, ticking of the clock in my kitchen and the gentle hum of the refrigerator. I think life is like that ticking. It is only as the second hand arrives at each new minute do we hear the tick. The spaces in between are silent. No one ever really notices those little silent spaces. My life feels like that ticking. One moment I am driving away, tick. The next moment I am standing in a camper, tick. Then I am at a school, tick. Next, I am here and the ticking continues. The ticks are the things that stand out in my mind and not so much the spaces in between. They become a blur as the ticking continues. The space that fills the gap between one tick and the next are what I do to get to the next tick. Time seems endless, relentless, and unforgiving. If I could turn back the ticks of time would I change it? Honestly I would think about it, but in the end, I would have to go through the same motions. I am what I am because of the ticks of the past. I will be what I am supposed to with the coming ticks. To me the reality of my world can be viewed in a series of moments, or ticks of a clock. The things that etch themselves into my memory are the events of importance or sentimental value. Because they are important they become that tick. Rarely do people remember dressing for a party, but they almost always remember the party. The ticks are mostly good moments, I seem to discard the ticks that I can't use. I think this year I will try to make the ticks happier. I think I would like to have my ticks closer together also. So with the comming ticks we will see if I can make them happier and more frequent.

Tick, Tick

I’ve been sitting for four hours in a very boring sociology class where the teacher drones on for the duration like Ben Stein. The only saving grace is that the information he is trying to convey is for the most part interesting to me. I’ve always had an interest in sociology since it is in essence the study of human society. I’ve always questioned things that were widely accepted by all around me to be true. As a child I sat on a church pew with my aunt and I clearly remember thinking how odd it was to have grown adults act so assumingly. I recall wondering how they knew for sure that everything the pastor was saying was true. My aunt shushed me and whispered that the Bible was the word of God, and everything in that book was true. I was vexed and suspicious as I looked down at the bible in the back of the pew. I picked it up and opened the cover, I was sorely disappointed to see that “God” didn’t publish the bible I was holding, but instead it was some company in Pennsylvania that had published the book.

I know now why my mother used to answer most of my questions about life with one simple answer. “Look it up.” She would say. I know because I have had the same problems trying to answer my own daughter’s impossible questions. But since that day in the church I’ve been skeptical about books and their credibility. In school we teach our children that what ever the book says is concrete and that is just the way of things. Have you ever sat and thought about what you were reading and accepting as truth. How do we know that the person who wrote the books we have sculpted our society around were not raving mad men? It’s always been one of those questions I’ve wondered in a class room setting. And again as I sit in my sociology class flipping through a book that was written by another simple human, but is supposed to be taken as the way society is. Shouldn’t we just take this as the way the author sees society? Again as the teacher and my aunt assume that everything in this book is true, I sit and ponder a question. What could I write that others would use to shape their reality? What a terrible and wonderful thought…..

It's a matter of what you want... And what to do.

I’ve found that things rarely work the way I want them to, unless I physically go and make them happen. Just sitting back and hoping for something has never worked for me, and I have tried that avenue long enough to know for sure. I believe that if you really want something you have to reach out and take it, don’t procrastinate because you are only here for an uncertain time. You never know when something cosmic will happen to you in your life to change the course you will take. There are things I know that I want, and knowing what you want is a big part of making your own path. Is there such a thing as free will? I don’t know, some things seem too big a coincidence and point to predestination. But maybe it’s a little of both… (Didn’t Forest Gump say that?) Anyway, I think that destiny has a lot to do; sometimes we have to help her out, and step forward into the unknown place between free will and what was meant to be. I only know what is now, and what my heart tells me. The rest is mystery.

The Mini Skirt Trio

Me and my two best friends have these great traditions that we have religiously enacted since we were young teens. Mini skirt night at our favorite bar is just one of many of my favorites. There are others we do, like half birthday parties, and midnight margarita's. But Mini skirt and Champagne night is one of my favorite. Just hanging out with my two best friends, and they are both beautiful.

Kisses Ladies
I love you both!

Walking from Chaos into a Dream

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written, mostly due to the lack of an internet connection this far out in the woods. So many things have been going on in my world it has become head spinning. It’s a strange place to be in for sure. I realize I’ve said that before, but no one really ever understands until they have walked a while in the emotional storm of change. Everywhere you look there are memories and things that make your heart and mind want to cling to the past. For months, I’ve been physically saying good bye to the past, one object at a time. Good bye husband that was. Good bye house. Good bye financial stability, and on down the line until all of the seemingly miniscule things that made up my everyday life have been fare welled. The plan I had for our future was a tough one, as were all of the little things around that I had worked so hard for. Someone told me once that it is similar to mourning a death. It is true, but for one difference. Hope is prevalent with change where in death there is only despair. Yes I have lost a great deal. All of my hopes for the future are gone, as are the years and effort I invested in that future, but I have kissed them good bye knowing I will never see them again and it has slowly become alright. Hope is there to guide me and to help me find a new way. And hope is what keeps me from despair. Now, I have the hope of finding new dreams or rekindling old ones that I had kissed good bye years ago when I made other choices. To see around the bend on a new path, instead of the strait and narrow path that used to lie ahead can be scary and difficult. The old path was sitting there in plain view all mapped out and planned right down to the next meal. No deviation from the roadside in that direction. I could have told you exactly where that life would have gone. It was the same every day and would have gone on until it was too late. I would have wasted away and died never having the chance to chase my dreams down. Fortunate are those who see the error of their choices before it is too late.
Days and nights like that one come along and you don’t know they have arrived until they are long departed. The bad ones like the good ones seem somehow severed from reality and time. Only the hour after all has transpired do we truly know the errors of our actions. So the error is pointed out, we decide it has to change. With hope and courage we start the process. Only we don’t know just how much personal turmoil it will entail. So we go head strong with a heartfelt theory of what we should do and nothing but a prayer to stand on. Life seemed surreal to me at this time. The days spread from minutes to hours to days like a very drawn out painting where the paint is slowly spread from one side of the canvas to the other. It was like that to me, hazy and dream like, almost like sleep walking through the necessary motions. I would find myself in strange places, and the question in my mind was similar each time. “How did I get here?” It was all a very long emotional blur of color over the canvas that is my life.
I awoke one day to find all had become crisp in my view and my energy and hope were restored to me. I began to get all of the things I had been dreading finished. It was almost effortless. It all happened in the span of a few weeks and it was a great weight that was lifted for me.
Now I sit, having said my good byes to all I left behind, and I ponder the things of tomorrow. Will I get what I yearn for? If I don’t, it won’t be for a lack of pursuing my Love of things. I can’t say I have ever had to try this hard to get what I want, but only those things that are great and really worth having are worth pursuing. I probably seem relentless, but there is so much more that my heart has not yet unleashed. Holding back was never my thing, and for ten very long years I was made to push my feelings away. Now they are hard to harness with this new found freedom.
There are so many changes I have gone through in this last year; it is a very fast and strange metamorphosis to go through in such a short time span. The fear of not being able to do this on my own is completely gone now, and has been replaced with something new. I don’t know if it is spite, or hate, or just sheer stubbornness to be right, perhaps it is a mixture of these things. But I have to prove now that I can. So I will, and I am. The next few weeks will hold much change. At least I have you. I’ll write again soon.

MK

Drive

Life stands on the edge of a knife, its delicate balance difficult to keep. Slipping off the edge is a fearful thought and we all try not to. There comes a time in all lives when you have to choose to move or slip. Slip or move, that is what we all must do to keep the balance. The choice of which way to go is never an easy step. Sometimes choosing not to do anything is also a choice. Waiting sometimes makes the choices decide for themselves. Sometimes we have no choice. For the actions of others based on their own choices is unpredictable. As humans we all are in a constant search for that unity. The feeling that we are not alone, that someone else feels and thinks the same way as us. You can never really know what lies in the deepest parts of the human mind. What drives each of us is different from person to person. Some of us are driven by the heart and its desire to fulfill the vast space that resides there. Some are driven by simple curiosity and the need to know. Some are driven by greed or fear or hate. Some are driven by desperacy or addiction. What drives you?

The Battle between Heart and Mind.

I’m at constant odds with myself most of the time. On one hand I have my heart telling me something, and on the other hand I have my mind rationalizing everything and telling my heart that it is wrong. It really is like having two people inside of me arguing. Sometimes they actually agree, but most of the time, my heart just pushes the rationality aside and does what it wants to. I know that the heart is the stronger influence of the two. It even said so in my personality type. (ENFP) But I am finding that lately I have to question all I know about what my head and my heart are telling me. How do you know if something your mind or heart is telling you is real? My heart has been constant on one subject lately; my mind has controlled its outgoing ways in one specific matter for fear of showing my emotions too much. Don’t ask me why all of the sudden in my life I am afraid to show my real feelings. I never have been in twenty nine years. Now I fear I will lose something very special to me because of this sudden change of control from heart to mind. And I also fear that I will never get to explain in person. I usually prefer to do things like this in person, now I think the point is probably moot and I’m too late. I guess I will just wait and see.

To Begin an End

It was a little past midnight when I stepped into the dark trailer and set my bag down. I flipped on the light and marveled at the silence of the place. I had previously brought over most of the things I would need for now and had carefully arranged things to make it seem more like a home. Now in the dark of night I stood in the middle of the room unsure of what to do next. Was this the part where I was supposed to curl up and cry or break out a bottle of wine and celebrate? I didn’t know. I’m not sure how long I stood there just staring and contemplating my current situation, but it was quite a while. The air had a chill so I turned on the heater and rummaged through my suitcase for some comfy sweats and thick socks. I changed my clothes and brushed my hair as though in a daze. It’s a lot like watching someone else go through the simple motions but having no control over it and not caring at the same time. I felt like I was floating in my own head, unable to cling to the material world. It’s odd the feelings that wash over you in a moment like this. I had finally left the person I could no longer bear to live with. I had tried alone in a one sided battle for the better part of a decade to make my marriage work. Things had gone down hill for the last three years and I had given up trying to fix things just this last year. The look on his face flashed through my head as I sat in the quiet little trailer staring at the wall. It had been strange, unbelieving, hurt, and shocked. I don’t think he actually believed that I would leave, but here I was alone in a new home. How had things gotten this far, how could he have not cared all this time and manage to look completely stricken when I walked out the door? Why was I feeling bad for him when it was him that ignored all of my pleas for so long? Why was he trying so hard to get me to stay after I had completely given up? It made me angry in a way, all of the last minute attempts by him to win me back. It had started just the last week or so, all of the little things I had been begging him to do for the last few years now seemed to be top priority for him. It was infuriating to me, a slap in the face. Nothing he could do now would change how I felt. He should have tried harder when I needed it. How could he have believed I would stay when he treated me so uncaringly? The love between us died and I couldn’t find a way to restart it. It was simply not there. I sat there in my resolve and anger confused by my feelings. My stomach felt sick and my head swam. Random thoughts about the future and the past quickly flipped on and off through my mind. Some were happy, some were sad, some were dark, some made me feel hope. I had no idea that the human body was capable of feeling so many different feelings all at the same time. I wanted to cry, scream, and laugh, but all I could manage was to sit staring with a blank face completely numbed by the flow of images and feelings rushing through my head and my heart. All of the plans I had made for that life were now lost, and I was extremely sad for the loss. Hopes for the future brought bursts of hope and joy. Feelings of guilt, regret and anger tore at my mind. It is a confusing thing to experience, the first day on your own. One moment the clock said 10:00pm, the next it was 5:00am. Time was skipping by as fast as the emotions running through me. I was unable to move. I think it was a little bit of shock, of the choices I had made began to set in as I sat there listening to the sounds of nothing. I had done it. I was free. I would not be going back to the life I had fought so hard to keep. I had stepped out over a line that could not be undone. I wanted to find the quiet that sleep would bring, but couldn’t find the darkness of it. I squeezed my eyes shut hard trying to block out the flashing images. I pulled the blanket up over my head and hugged the pillow. I laid there for what seemed like hours before sleep finally took me and the temporary sort of death that can only come from being exhausted set in. I dreamt that night of passionate kisses and warm skin and beating hearts. They were all things that my husband hadn’t given me in years. These day dreams were the only happy moments for me in these last months. I woke that morning almost hung over from the night of extreme emotional turmoil. As I lay there in my own little bed in my own little place, I began to feel some hope. Hope to find my own way, stand on my own legs, and live my life as I see fit. Only time will tell the rest of my story and heal the long opened wounds inflicted by these last years. So I just keep breathing, keep working and fighting daily for the things I want out of life. The more distance I cover each day, the further I will be from the confusion. They said this would be hard, and they said it would hurt. They told me that it would be confusing and it would suck really badly. They also said that it would get easier and things would become clear as time went on. It seems they were right about the first bit, so perhaps they are also right about the last part. I guess I will just keep going and see what time brings me. Hopefully it is clarity and happiness.

The Life of a Stray

Today I noticed a stray cat hanging around my house. She is the sweetest thing, and cute and cuddly. It must be nice to be a cat, to just look at a house and think “I like that house, if I go in and look cute and lick myself then they will feed me and let me live there”. It’s as if they just pick a house and decide that this is now their home. How nice to just look at something you like and take it for yours. They pay no mind to the previous owners of a place. They simply walk right in and mark their territory, claw the couch and groom themselves. Cats have it made, they aren’t trained in masses to chase sticks or sit pretty. They just get to be themselves. How nice it must be to live the life of a cat.

Sunset is a surreal part of the day...Beautiful, the rays of light sinking into the night. 

Feather in the Sand-

Last night as the sun was sinking into the hills and the moon rose behind me I found an Eagle Feather on the river. It has profound significance to my family being Native American. Eagle feathers are gifted on very rare occasions to honor people who are walking the “Good Path” or to those who have done something very great. The Native American people believe that to find an Eagle Feather while you are walking is just the same as being honored by the creator for keeping a harmonious balance in life. It is a sign that you are doing the right things and making good and honorable choices in your life. To find a feather as perfect as the one I found on the sand is very rare. I immediately gave the feather to my friend that I was with. Explaining the importance of a gift like this one is hard to do on the spot, but this friend has done great things for me, and I wanted to make sure I explained the meaning of the feather. This is from a web site I use on occasion. It is a good explanation….


Eagle Feathers and the Path of Good Medicine
Eagle Medicine is the power of the Great Spirit, the connection to the Divine. It is the ability to live in the realm of spirit, and yet remain connected and balanced within the realm of Earth. Eagle soars, and is quick to observe expansiveness within the overall pattern of life. From the heights oh the clouds, Eagle is close to the heavens where the Great Spirit dwells.

Eagle feathers are considered infinitely sacred to traditional Native American people who make use of the feathers for a variety of purposes including ceremonial healing and purification. Eagle Medicine represents a state of presence achieved through diligence, understanding, awareness, and completion of "test of initiation" such as the vision quest or other demanding life experiences. Elder status is associated with Eagle Medicine and the power of connectedness and truth, It is through the wisdom of experience that this Medicine is earned.
The Eagle feather, which represents duality, tells the story of life. It tells of the many duality's that exist in life, such as light and dark, male and female, substance and shadow, summer and winter, peace and war, life and death. It reminds us of the teachings that Opposites are extensions of themselves like two opposing hands of the same body. Native American traditionalists look upon the Eagle feather as a sacred symbol of the balance necessary for the Circle of life to continue. J. T. Garrett, as a member of the Eastern Band of Cherokee, describes how:
The Eagle feather teaches us about the Rule of Opposites, about everything being divided into two ways. The more one is caught up in the physical, or the West, then the more one has to go in the opposite direction, the East, or the spiritual, to get balance. And it works the other way, too- you can't just focus on the spiritual to the exclusion of the physical. You need harmony in all Four Directions.
The Lesson of Opposites is that of choice. Any two Opposites are often part of the same truth. If we consider the Eagle feather with its light and dark colors, we could argue that "the dark colors are far more beautiful and, therefore, naturally more valuable," or vice versa. Regardless of which colors are said to be more beautiful, or necessary, or valuable, the truth is the bottom line: Both colors come from the same feather, both are true, they are connected, and it takes both to fly.
The balance of which the traditional way speaks is not a recognition of two separate phenomena, nor a decision as to which is best and which is worst. The balance of which the traditional way speaks is worst. The balance of which the traditional way speaks is a recognition of the "oneness" of two differing phenomena, and a decision to honor both through harmony and balance. Traditionally, a person earns the Eagle feather through enormous acts of courage, understanding, or generosity. Very often, it is through such acts that this recognition "oneness" to truth occurs, and it is here that universal learning takes place.

There are two sides of every thing in life. Balancing these things is never an easy task. The Feather is a gift to you for helping me understand that balance. The Darkness needs the Light, and the light cannot exist without the other.

History Repeats...

I’m laying here in the dark all alone. I can feel the house all around me. I think I am finally finished with this house for good. I used to live in this house when I was a teenager. My parents divorced when I was fifteen and my step dad moved into this house. My mother decided that things just couldn’t work anymore. He was angry all of the time, and didn’t want to do much besides sit around and drink case after case of beer. So my dad moved and I came to live with him two weeks out of each month. He used to lay sprawled out on the floor with an empty beer case next to him and bottles all around, the music was all you could hear. Pink Floyd would blast from the speakers into the bare room. He would do this for days, laying alone in the dark with nothing but the music and his pain and frustration to keep him company. He eventually moved on and re-married. He lives one town away now. But years later, at the beginning of my marriage I found out that I wasn’t the only one who used to live in that house. My husband had lived there too when he was a young boy. The irony only got weirder when we decided to buy the house. So there we were moving into a house that both of us had lived in once before when our parents were divorced. I used to think that this was some kind of sign telling me that my marriage was meant to be. We both grew up in the same house, and then we bought it. Our daughter now lives in the room that was ours as children. I have come to know that when I leave and take my daughter and all of my possessions, that history will repeat its self. He will lay on the floor in an empty room with nothing but the oversized speakers and a case of beer to council him. It’s funny how we end up choosing people who are so like our parents to be with. I think I did that because it gave me a sense of safety and comfort. I’ve never been a stable person, emotionally or financially. I had found someone who could take on that role for me and ended up sparing myself from having to really grow up. Now it’s been ten years and I have grown up. I’ve grown up so well that I have outgrown my need for simple comfort. I just woke up one day and realized that I wanted more out of life than to be some ones maid. I have become my mother, deciding that things just can’t be this way anymore. He is angry all of the time, and spends all of his time preoccupied with things that are not important to me or my daughter. How is it that with all of the effort I put into trying to learn from her mistakes that I end up here? I am exactly where she was fifteen years ago. I am alone, scared and unsure. The only real comfort I have is the fact that it worked out for both my mother and father in the end. My mom did it with four kids. I know I can do this with one. My father didn’t kill himself like I thought he would, he moved on and started to live life again. Will history repeat so accurately? Will it happen the same way?

My Space...

My Little World

This is my new space. Swing by and take a look.

MK

PhiloPhobia-Fear of Love. and so many more.

This is just something I was interested in, since I write scary things. It is a complete phobia list. Don’t worry I’m not having any of these problems, except my small case of coulrophobia. I’ve never liked clowns. This site is cool though and I wanted to share it. Most of these are completely viable and understandable fears, but there are some rather hilarious ones. (The fear of chickens for example, or the fear of Jews.) It isn’t like many people lay awake at night eyes wide with fear that the chickens and Jews are out to get them. But there are some interesting and funny things. Just check them out. Fear and Phobia

MK-

Written Vent of the Exausted Mind

So many things have been going through my head. It’s like a whirl wind of emotions and conversations, worries and hopes. I was asked how I can be so emotionless and cold, but what they don’t see is the emotional turmoil that rages deep inside, like a storm out of control. I’ve cried all the tears that I have, and just when there could be no more, it starts over again. It really is like mourning a death. You morn the loss of the plans and hopes, the dreams you once shared. They are all sinking into the fading light. I go from angry to happy to sad to completely numb of all emotion, only for it to all be started again. I weigh and balance all of the decisions again and again. One moment my mind is iron clad about something and the next I waver. Is that normal? I am cold, emotionless and non caring. I accuse and blame and am accused and blamed in return. I have inflicted some very harsh words this week, and received none in return. I was hurt for years, and did everything I could to change it. Suddenly I have become the bad person. The thing I wish he knew is that neither of us has to be the bad guy. Why do people have to place blame on someone else. Some times things just don’t work. Shit happens, things get fucked up. There are times when you can mend the damage that has been done, but there are also times when the wound is too deep. Can’t things just be civilized and agreed upon like adults? I’m sorry, it isn’t working. Can we at least be friends? What I would give to have it be that easy. So I am the one who is to blame. All fingers will point at me. It’s hard to watch it in his eyes. The anger and sadness mixed with desperate hope is almost more than I can bear. I just feel like I’m a child again and I’m getting hit with a big fat guilt trip. It was one of my mothers’ favorite tactics to get me to do things. It still works to this day and I hate that! I fear for the future. I do not want to end up hurting anyone. But I can’t live life like this anymore either. I gave up all of my dreams and hopes for the future so that we could have a family and a life together, but I am the only one who gave up anything. I can’t give anymore and I’m tired of hoping and waiting for things that will never happen. The vision of what I wanted when I gave up my career and my dreams is far from what I ended up with. I wanted it all the post card family. I tried too, and I tried like hell. What I got was much different from anything I ever imagined. I got to do everything for our daughter by my self. No helpful hubby to stand by me. I got to do all of the house hold chores and still manage to hold down a dead end job. I got to sit at home alone with no one to talk to but a toddler. Loneliness slowly dug its way under my skin and before I knew it the relationship changed in my mind. He became the rival, the person I had to stand up against. The bond that should have been there was not. So now when I am so close to being able to leave he starts to notice and all hell breaks loose. It is getting deep the tension can be cut with a knife when you walk through the door. It sends any surprise visitor reeling from the front door like they have hot coals in their pants. It all hurts, and it is all confusing. In the end I hope I made the right choice.